Running from my practice

[Averoigne]

(I wasn't sure where to post this. It seemed like more of a philosophical problem.)

I am by no means an accomplished practitioner. I did Tai Chi when I was younger. I'm familiar with energy work. I read alot of Eastern philosophy long before I approached the Western mysteries. So, even though I'm just dipping my toe in the magickal pool, I have some experience to help me along. My first and biggest problem seems to be that it actually works. My approach to ritual practice has been earnest but skeptical. I used to joke that I was like a Civil War re-enactor. I'm going through the motions, trying to reproduce something accurately, but not really expecting much. But then weird shit started happening. I've had some really powerful Kundalini experiences. So much that I think I really need to seek out some Chakra work. I've also been blown away working on the Qabalistic Cross. I have these moments when I feel my self dissolving a bit (if that makes any sense). It's kind of like having something pull on the loose threads of my personality.

The problem now, frankly, is that it kinda scared the shit out of me. Well, maybe not that much but, it definitely took me out of my comfort zone. I feel like a lab monkey who got out of his cage and got a taste of real freedom only to run back into my cage and start hammering on the treat button. I've been leaning hard into mundane habits. Every day I think about restarting my practice and every day I side-step it like a school paper that's due tomorrow. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I can't imagine I'm the only one to have this experience.

[Desecrated]

That is just a natural part of the process.

It is almost like part of us are actively working against our own self-interest.

Take a small break, have some ice cream, and then start over gently with the stuff that you are already familiar with. There is no need to jump right back into the deep end.

[Averoigne]

I definitely feel the "working against myself". It's like the ego is a collection of motivations. If you start popping them apart like legos, where do you go? Which motivations do you listen to? I'm on board with the healing power of ice cream too. I'll get back to work soon. Thanks for the help.

[Desecrated]

Which motivations do you listen to?

The one that gives you the best result.