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Original post: Luke Saint

Before I begin I would like to give a very brief autobiography pertaining to the situation at hand to explain why I feel the need to create this thread. I am 24 years old. I am a morbidly quiet person in most social situations. I do not believe that I am shy however, because if I have something that needs to be said then I can say it to anyone, at any place, at any time. I mean that literally I could drop my pants in a crowded room with no worries whatsoever if the situation absolutely required it. Now, the quiet part comes about during ordinary human interaction, ie. smalltalk. Someone will ask me a question and it's as if my mind just stops functioning completely. A response, which I am quite sure I would be capable to mentally muster up given the caliber of people I deal with in my everyday life (low to nominally above-average education), just does not formulate. I am reduced to giving off simple one or two syllable answers followed by looking away or to the floor in a manner that signifies that I have no wish for further communication. This is not the way I feel, I like being around people, I am a very humble, non-egotistic person (really I am). I simply feel that because of the whole deal with my mind "shutting off" that any further interaction would be tantamount to lead to dissatisfaction from the person that I am "talking" to. Extreme feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing just well up inside of me while the person is there until, I'm assuming, they get bored and walk away. This is very troubling to me and I needed to describe what I'm going through.

Now on to my "research". One thing that I have discovered is that by drinking alcohol (in moderate to heavy amounts) I am able to decently carry on a conversation with another human being. Not just ordinary chitchat either. I am talking full blown discussions on anything from humorous stories to the mysteries of life itself. My manner of speaking is just phenomenal, I feel comfortable, people are laughing at my jokes. I actually feel worthy of being in the presence of other human beings.

This has, however, caused me to attribute this loquaciousness to the alcohol. I could just say that the alcohol grants me the knowledge, ability and desire to speak at peak performance, touting it as some panacea for the ills of society. But somehow I am just unable to place much faith in this theory. I mean, people that I know who drink generally do not gain any intelligence or oratory ability by consuming alcohol. It is just not so. This leads me to believe that the alcohol somehow dissolves a barrier in me that is holding me back during sobriety and "freezing" my thoughts during interaction with others. I do not lack the positive qualities that I have attributed to alcohol, they are just buried inside until they are untrammeled by beer, etc. In this case I would state that my problem is not a quantitative one but an inhibitory one.

The question is where is the blockage and what is the method of removing it. I was thinking of re-reading Regardie's "The Middle Pillar" and using that ritual as a possible aid in "unstopping the flow" as it were. I just do not wish to jump into something to find out that the cause of my quietness is located in a vicinity untouched by that book.

Any suggestions are welcome as I am going to continue my research.

Original post: Luke Saint

This is not an attempt to garner sympathy. I know that there are those of you who have it much, much worse. This is just provided as "another brick in the wall", to use a Roger Watersism.

My mother, hmm, what can I say about her. Well, to begin with I could give an account of my most recent conversation with her. She calls me up on the phone and tells me that she's in North Carolina (I live in Pennsylvania) and that she just sold the car battery for something to eat and asks me for money. I hung up the phone. I am not a cruel person by any means. I hung up because she is the one who chose to run away from her husband with this sleazy, drug-motel manager and she should have known better. This was in August... of 2005.

Before this time I was very close to my mother. I would see her at least 2-3 times a week. We would watch a movie or something, small shit like that. I suppose that I was a bit mean to her at times though. Her mother had schizophrenia. I believe that this somehow trickled into the gene pool from whence my mother sprang. My mother acted very childish at times, sometimes alarmingly so. She would have a good job but not pay the bills. For literally no reason, she just wouldn't do it. Now, she didn't go out and squander her money on trinkets and the lot. Just cigarettes and potato chips.

Lets just say that it was pretty bad and I did not approve one bit. I felt like I was the father and she my daughter. I had to supply the not-so-subtle harshness of what a responsible adult should go through in the US in the 2000's.

My mother also lied, a lot. When I was growing up she would tell me stories about my dad's side of the family. One of these was that the reason she got a divorce was because she caught my dad in bed with another man. Believe me, my father was not oriented that way. After they split up he would bring women, and ONLY women, back to the house from time to time. Also he had a collection of amateur photos of women he met that allowed him to photo them and Playboys that would have rivaled the Great Library of Alexandria in size and depth. If any signs of bisexuality would have slipped from him I would have latched on and barraged a torrent of questions seeing as I was much the inquisitive child. Another story that my mother told me was that my paternal grandfather used to beat up my grandmother. Later I asked my uncle (my dad's brother) and he said that they never even argued. My grandfather actually worships the ground his wife walks on and I don't see that he would ever raise a finger, let alone unleash a full-blown beating.

My mother's relationship with my step dad was the one that really showed me her true colors. When I was about 17 I was living with them, I had just begun to get into reading Crowley and Jung and other prolific writers that comprise my list of favorites, and I began getting pretty good as a lay-psychologist. I would see that my step dad's behavior (previously related by my mother to be his true nature) such as drinking and partying was in fact his way of coping with her. She would start arguments, for no reason, and then when he finally caved in and argued back she would get defensive and act like it was his fault.

My mother was a very sick person, and I understand this better now that I have had some 2 1/2 years without hearing from her. I believe that my harsh treatment by yelling at her and calling her names was totally unjustified. She did need guidance, but not in that way. In any case it is plain that it did not work because she totally up and left in the way she did and all of the pain i caused her was obviously for naught. For my behavior in this regard I feel a degree of remorse.

That being said I can also say that at this time I do not have any wish to speak to her at all, ever again. She up and left without a word and she was my only parent left. I am writing a song for her at the moment, an instrumental piece. Do not be confused into thinking that this is a loving gesture by a loving son to his mother. I consider it a writeoff of her. She gave me life and I will give her immortalitiy in the form of a song. Then we are even. I have deliberated for a long time as to the course of action to take and I feel that this is the best route. Her returning and us reconciling in the end will not lead to the nurturing mother-son relationship that it could appear to lead to. It would degenerate into before, if not worse. I am not sad. I am very used to adapting to loss and I feel that if she came back into my life that it would be like picking off a scab which would then fester and rot into fetid disease.

Although I do not feel any pain from this any longer I do think that perhaps this whole scenario has lead to a complex in my psyche, along with others, and that I will need to deal with it in a more wholesome manner if I am to help myself. I hope that you all have skipped over this. I only included it as a personal reference as I make my way. If you didn't, I apologize.

Original post: tiger_shark

I have major social problems too, it always seems to stem from some sort of negative event/s in ones life. I have an.. interesting last name that people made fun of up until highschool. Not only that but I went to a slightly ghetto middle school where white people were a minority; I was this short little dorky white kid who was into pokemon cards and dragon ball z. :p Needless to say I was tormented relentlessly (mostly because of my lastname) and didn't talk to anyone outside of my small group of friends. Not to mention because of my dad being in the military I have had to attend over 10 different schools in my lifetime and it usually takes an entire year for me to get confortable enough with people to make any good friends. I think a lot of it also had to do with supressing my sexuality for so long as that isn't very healthy.

It has taken lot's of work but I am starting to learn how to talk to people; things have started to get a little better though but I still need some work. Even though I can talk to people easier I still find it difficult to befriend anyone in my age range because most people my age act like they are retards. (Im 19) I would love to think that there is some magickal way to solve this problem but it seems unlikely to me. Oh and as you said alcohol does wonders for me, for this reason I like it better than pot

Original post: Scarlett_156

Original post: Draginvry

This has more to do with psychology than spirituality. Nevertheless, I have a likely theory if you want to test it.

I mean that literally I could drop my pants in a crowded room with no worries whatsoever if the situation absolutely required it.

Now, the quiet part comes about during ordinary human interaction, ie. smalltalk.

One thing that I have discovered is that by drinking alcohol (in moderate to heavy amounts) I am able to decently carry on a conversation with another human being. Not just ordinary chitchat either. I am talking full blown discussions on anything from humorous stories to the mysteries of life itself. My manner of speaking is just phenomenal, I feel comfortable, people are laughing at my jokes. I actually feel worthy of being in the presence of other human beings.

These statements reveal a lot about your underlying character. The ability to do something socially unusual or unacceptable consciously means that you have a lot of self confidence. It is obvious your problem is not from shyness. Actually, I had to drop my pants recently (I'm applying for military service) and I didn't think anything of being in a room with a dozen other guys all in their boxers.

The next logical analysis comes from your statement where you clam up when someone engages you in small talk. However, this behavior stops when you drink alcohol. Alcohol often removes mental inhibitions in people, causing them to make choices they wouldn't normally make otherwise. In this case, your choice is to chat, including topics as complicated as the meaning of life itself. And, the most important piece of evidence presented so far, is that you enjoy doing this.

Based on what you've said so far, my conclusion is that you have a deep underlying feeling of unworthiness, or possibly lack of interest in general social situations. The latter may just be a personality trait and may not be a problem. In that case, you just find a hobby or interest other than social networking. The former, the feeling of unworthiness, is generally not productive to the building of a usefull character or lifestyle.

I would recommend meditating on why you unconsciously avoid social networking. If it is caused by an unwanted character trait, you should work on changing your mindset and paradigm to one that is more usefull.

In my case, I have a general lack of interest in normal social relations. This is caused by all the research and meditation I've done over the last seven years. I gained so much knowledge and intelligence that "normal" conversations seem very boring and provincial to me, so I no longer seek to engage in them. In fact, you don't even want to know what I made the last time I took a test. Let's just say it was near perfect. As in, very near. This is not to brag, but it is merely evidence that study into science and the occult clearly results in increased knowledge and intuition if one is dedicated enough to seek true answers to the universe. In fact, some of the greatest minds in history were occult. Isaac Newton spent most of his time studying Alchemy. His theories on gravity were almost like a side project.

However, such knowledge seems to have left me with a lack of interest in things that don't produce knowledge, that is small talk. Honestly, I would rather just meditate. My research into the occult and metaphysics has caused me to develop a major superiority complex, and I typically only hang out with friends who have above average IQ scores. Perhaps the same thing is happening to you but you are unaware of it.

Original post: Luke Saint

I am tired right now so this post will be short. Draginvry, I think that you are correct about finding "ordinary" conversation boring. I find it quite boring and a waste of my time if I am not learning about something that interests me. It's just that I don't want to just stop talking to my friends, some of who I have known for over 12 years. I talk with these friends now and they accuse me of being a know-it-all and stuff like that -- and god forbid they ever knew what I thought about God and Jesus and all the things that they hold to be their spiritual grails.... Anyway, I wouldn't mind being called a nerd, but they make it out that I am being a pompous, bombastic bigot. Even when I 'dumb-down' my speech other people say that I sound like I'm being condescending. I will do some serious meditation on the cause of these feelings and why I can't talk to people just to pass time. It is most definitely a psychological problem rather than a spiritual one. Thank you for your response Draginvry. Also thanks for the kind words Scarlett... if they are, I'm not up on my Greek. Thank you also tiger_shark.

Original post: Draginvry

[QUOTE=Luke Saint;322078]Draginvry, I think that you are correct about finding "ordinary" conversation boring. I find it quite boring and a waste of my time if I am not learning about something that interests me.
...
Even when I 'dumb-down' my speech other people say that I sound like I'm being condescending.[/QUOTE]

So, why force yourself to waste your time if you have more important interests? If even your layman's speech is too advanced for normal people, why not start hanging out with extraordinary people? Why would you want to force yourself to hang around provincial people, even if you have known them for 12 years?

There's nothing wrong with being elite, dude. It is the way the universe works. Some people are smarter and more capable than others. There is nothing condescending or bombastic about it. It is merely the way it is.

Don't beat yourself up for being a genius. If people are unwilling to accept your lack of interest in menial affairs, that is their problem, not yours. I understand that you will sound elitist and offensive to many people. Hell, I offend people all the time. But it is their choice to view my opinions as an attack on their character rather than the simple metaphysical investigation that it really is.

Forcing yourself to be "normal" will only bring you pain. I know from personal experience. Forcing yourself to dance around the judgments of others, rather than being who you want to be, is a similar mistake.

Original post: Master 27

"You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay might help.

Or not....

-Ater

Original post: Luke Saint

[QUOTE=Draginvry;322186]So, why force yourself to waste your time if you have more important interests? If even your layman's speech is too advanced for normal people, why not start hanging out with extraordinary people? Why would you want to force yourself to hang around provincial people, even if you have known them for 12 years?

There's nothing wrong with being elite, dude. It is the way the universe works. Some people are smarter and more capable than others. There is nothing condescending or bombastic about it. It is merely the way it is.

Don't beat yourself up for being a genius. If people are unwilling to accept your lack of interest in menial affairs, that is their problem, not yours. I understand that you will sound elitist and offensive to many people. Hell, I offend people all the time. But it is their choice to view my opinions as an attack on their character rather than the simple metaphysical investigation that it really is.

Forcing yourself to be "normal" will only bring you pain. I know from personal experience. Forcing yourself to dance around the judgments of others, rather than being who you want to be, is a similar mistake.[/QUOTE]

Fortunately (unfortunately?) I know what you are saying is true, for me. But I have made a commitment to myself to break free of this thing that is holding me back. When I am able to raise my head and speak my word in full virility to those who condemn me, that is when I shall move on. For me this is like a testing ground, sink or swim. Believe me, in a way this "road to healing" that I'm talking about is more scientific than self-preserving.

Thank you for your frank honesty Draginvry. At the least your words have shown me a way that I never thought really viable. It's always good to know you have a backup plan if things get unripe. Peace.

Original post: Anathema_Oracle

Some people say being able to effectively communicate with a variety of people is a great skill worth one's learning.

Being arrogant due to shyness amongst intimate exchanges is not a sign of higher intelligence, but possibly a mild for of autism.

I know I used to think I was just too smart and into such cerebral things that my peers just could never relate. In truth, I had no idea what to say to people and found myself struck dumb.

But stick me in front of a crowd or whatnot and the reciprocal thing, that exchange disappears. Just a thought.

Original post: High Priest Enki

actually by starting meditation and improving your well being and energy levels it is a great start and boost to your confidence and people are automatically drawn to you with your energy being clean and healthy, from there it will just build up.

Original post: Draginvry

[QUOTE=Anathema_Oracle;322309]
I know I used to think I was just too smart and into such cerebral things that my peers just could never relate.[/QUOTE]

I'm saying that he may be so intelligent that he has trouble involving himself in "normal" conversations. I'm not saying that his avoidance of normal conversations is a good thing. In fact, it's just the opposite. A true wizard won't be able to keep himself from speaking his mind, regardless of the subject matter. I apologize if it seemed like I was recommending Luke to be antisocial, because I wasn't.

I think Luke's study into the occult has left him feeling uncomfortable around normal people. It is an unneeded fear. All that is necessary is the realization that he is above average. And most importantly, there is nothing wrong with being above average. If he can come to that understanding, he will be talking more than anyone in the crowd.

You don't have to fit into the crowd. If you are so far above everyone that you have trouble relating, you should probably be leading the crowd. If you are truly superior, then let yourself be superior. There is no need for dumbing down or condescending talk. Just talk like you feel like talking. Everyone else will either fall in line, love you for your ideas, or hate you for being better than them. The only people you will offend will be the latter, but the only reason they are upset is because of their own lack of self-confidence, which they were reminded of by your abundant confidence.

I'm telling you Luke, just speak your mind once. Just do it once, and you will realize how incredibly easy and obvious it is, and you will be laughing at how silly you were to hold your tongue.

However, if you do let yourself be a complete genius, realize that everyone around you will suddenly appear to be very stupid. Try not to laugh in their face. At least for the sake of decency.

Original post: Luke Saint

Once upon a time there were three Points that formed a triangle that held up a big part of their joy in this world. All things in the world were not perfect, but the Points were able to make the best with what they had. Then suddenly two of the Points were erased leaving only a single Point behind. This one Point was unable to maintain the balance to hold up the joy and so that joy fell away...

This remaining Point, feeling weak in its helplessness without the other two Points, began to sink deeper and deeper into loneliness and despair. Then one day a Demon came upon the Point. As you may or may not know some demons feed upon individuals who are lacking in certain qualities or aspects of their lives. The Point was full of loneliness and despair at this time and was the perfect breeding ground for demons. Also, is it not strange that the Point was unafraid of demons?

Anyway, the Demon spoke to the Point and said that it could return the joy that had toppled off of the single Point. Not only this, the Demon said that all it asked for in return was the Point's memory of the Pen that created it. The Point was quite uncertain of this though and voiced his concern to the Demon. To this the Demon said that the Point could sample the joy and that if it was satisfactory then the Point would be given the Key to that joy.

The Point saw no harm in the Demon's stipulation and so agreed that he should experience a sample of the Demon's joy. Right away the Point noticed that this joy was quite different from the joy he had before, but in some inexplainable way it felt superior. It was so good to have the despair go away that the Point felt compelled to make the trade with the Demon without further question.

What a relief it was to have a seemingly endless supply of joy. But as time went on things began to change as things do. The Key to the joy started to deteriorate and now required several turns to open the door that it used to open with one turn. The Point became concerned and called to the Demon. The Point asked the Demon why its Key no longer worked as consistently as it once did. The Demon replied that he never told the Point that the Key wouldn't wear out. The Demon said that his only duty was to continue urging the Point to use the Key. A crafty, clever demon indeed...

The Point had found joy again but it came with the price of having to rely on a failing Key to remain afloat amidst a sea of loneliness and despair. That is the moral of this story.

Original post: Luke Saint

[QUOTE=Draginvry;322541]I think Luke's study into the occult has left him feeling uncomfortable around normal people. It is an unneeded fear. All that is necessary is the realization that he is above average. And most importantly, there is nothing wrong with being above average. If he can come to that understanding, he will be talking more than anyone in the crowd.
[/QUOTE]

Now that you mention it I think that this bottling up of my personality actually gave birth to my study of the occult, not the other way around. Don't get me wrong, I was interested in the occult before becoming as I am, the serious study though came afterward. Thank you again for your advice and support Draginvry, you are giving me some previously unthought of perspectives on this whole thing. I am going to continue posting further incidents in my life as I get time to write them up. Peace.

PS
I think I thank people too much too... Or is that a good thing?

PPS
Don't take the first PS too seriously. : )


Oh, I wanted to add that while I may be unable to hold a normal conversation, I can get up on stage in front of a few hundred people at bars and clubs and jam my ass off. No fear or trepidation at all. Most of the time I don't drink until after I play either because I have a problem with drinking and yada yada yada... (FYI)

Original post: Luke Saint

Threaten me with fire and brimstone
And I will drown it with my Spirit
And tame it.
Threaten me with the shackles of Satan
And I will draw him under foot
And trounce him.
The Lord speaketh and we proceed.
Praise be to God.

Church. Who really wants to place their spiritual welfare in the hands of some half-wit's interpretation of a scripture he probably knows less about than his own asshole? The central rite of the weekly worship of Christ is the Holy Communion. This is the ritual of partaking of the body and blood of the "Saviour", and the people eat and drink the constituents with the same relish as a morning triscuit and coffee. The Church of Christianity is filled with old people and weaklings. This makes it the perfect feed for metatrophic zealots of all ages who find it to be the easiest and most exploitable of all the dogmatic doctrines. That's my three cents on that.

Now if you'll excuse me, my dear friend hangover is here and I must nurse it back to health, or Hell, whichever...

PS
There is no shyness standing before my words as floodgates hold back the mighty waters. No, the river dries up when the time comes while the gates stand open. There is no water to drink and there is no water to destroy. There is void to mediate with the thirsty.

Original post: Luke Saint

PrS (pre-script) When I used the word "old" above it was not in reference to age.


You go to work everyday, you do your job, you get paid. This is my metaphoric psychology model for over ninety percent of the churchgoing community. Religion is a map to use to obtain spiritual nourishment. Having a map of Hawaii does not put you in Hawaii, just as merely saying you're a Christian does not get you into Heaven. I feel the need though to say that I have nothing but the fondest thoughts about Christianity as an ideal. What ticks me off is the fact that EVERYBODY I know that says they are Christian display behavior that would make a necromancer ill.


PS
I do notice that if the topic of discussion is either music or matters occult that I can talk for hours on these subjects without the least bit of impedance. This of course goes along with what Draginvry had been saying earlier.

Original post: Rend Sever

What ticks me off is the fact that EVERYBODY I know that says they are Christian display behavior that would make a necromancer ill.

Lol. Ohhh, so true.


So, what's the problem now? Sorry, I just kinda skimmed over the book being written here. You have a hard time with small talk? So? Small talk is only good for wasting time, and time shouldn't be wasted.

On the "book being written" note, are you always so overly-articulate and verbose, as far as IRL conversation goes? Maybe that's something to tone down, if the case. It's not really a bad thing, per-say, but having to absorb so many words can be.. exhausting.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound brash. Just having myself a somewhat "stupid" day and having a hard time digging into what exactly you're getting at.

Original post: Luke Saint

[QUOTE=Rend Sever;324133]Lol. Ohhh, so true.


So, what's the problem now? Sorry, I just kinda skimmed over the book being written here. You have a hard time with small talk? So? Small talk is only good for wasting time, and time shouldn't be wasted.

On the "book being written" note, are you always so overly-articulate and verbose, as far as IRL conversation goes? Maybe that's something to tone down, if the case. It's not really a bad thing, per-say, but having to absorb so many words can be.. exhausting.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound brash. Just having myself a somewhat "stupid" day and having a hard time digging into what exactly you're getting at. [/QUOTE]

No, in ordinary speech I 'dumb it down' like I said earlier in this thread. I am by all means capable of speaking bombastically if someone can keep up, but normally I stick to the consensus vocabulary. I agree that I think smalltalk is a waste of time but it is a skill that I would dearly love to harness just so that I can say I was at the point-of-no-return and found my way back. Thanks for the reply, and if my words are too exhausting you can go to http://thesaurus.reference.com/. Sorry, that was a tactless attempt at humor. Peace.

Original post: Myakka

I resonate with many of the things that you have said Luke Saint. I find small talk difficult, but if the topic is interesting to me I of course chime in. I find it difficult to relate to anyone -- not just because of the brains issue but also because my life experience and how I go about thinking about things so often strikes other people as wierd. I have also sometimes found that just a little bit of alcohol frees me -- also being sleepy can render me unusually talkative.

(I have a load of other issues that make the whole thing alot more complex, but let me stick with these ones.)

I have found a program called "Non-violent Communication" that has made these issues somewhat better for me. Marshall Rosenberg developed the method. Key points I have found helpful are 1) not to take what other people say and do personally -- usually it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me
2) when statements are laced with criticism people often only hear the criticism 3) it is more important to be real than to be nice, and 4) feelings are connected to needs and negative feelings are connected to unmet needs.

According to Marshall every action everyone takes is an attempt (perhaps a very misguided one) to met our needs. I do not know if I believe that yet, but I do believe it to be largely true. I do not do any of the four items I have listened perfectly; I just do them better than I used to --- and that has helped.

I also resonate with your decision not to have contact with your mother. Unlike you I was never close to mine and lived in a fantasy world for years where I believed if I only did the impossible and pleased her, she would love me. Mothers are negative influences for some of us and if they are that and we don't have or don't want to spend the energy to deal with that, then it is better not to have them around. I has been good for me to have distance between myself and her because now I am no longer subject to the continual psychic and psychological assault she usually inflicts on me. (Now I only have the mother I have interalized to deal with...)

I am working on fixing the mess she left me with....

Original post: Luke Saint

3-18-08

*An unknown though-method toys around with an idea in my head and then vanishes without a trace.*

Regardless, I must apologize for delaying the progress of this thread. If none of you, my lovely, dear, kind readers, really care then at least I can make such things right with my own dry eagerness. On the date of February the 29th of this year (2008 e.v.) I found myself suddenly in possession of a fairly large supply of some fuckin kick ass weed. Needless to say I've been pretty lit up since then and could only find time to write when I was afforded the sobriety that drinking large amounts of alcohol so lovingly bestows. As of today, however, this supply has been terminated, barring one final wake and bake this morning with this wonderful variety of herb. This in mind I no longer have any excuse for not continuing this thread. So, onward.

I feel that my biggest problem is commitment. I can scarcely commit to watching a film on television let alone a woman or work. This is a really big problem for anyone it seems. Even music and the occult, my two great loves, are subject to a specialized form of devotion in which I focus only on extremely limited aspects of those two fields. Throw in a love/hate relationship with substance abuse and we find a likely candidate for the 2010 space shuttle to nowhere.

At bars I find myself looking for the next woman I would want to sleep with while I'm only just beginning to talk to the girl I'm "working on" currently. Not exactly 'grade A' material for an instructional dating tape, am I right? On a side note too, this process of dealing with women runs strikingly parallel to how the mind of a drug user works in cases of moderate to severe chemical dependence. Possibly a connection...?

Moving on, in regards to my dwindling family I can say that in my relationships with them there is an intangible boundary that I feel obligated to obey. Thus I am fairly committed to my family, on a mental basis, not an emotional one. I suspect that there may be emotion of this kind deeply buried in there, but at present I feel no need to disinter that information. Now, if a person that is close to me chooses to evacuate the premise of this boundary, on their own accord, I find this of no consequence to my self and continue to go about my business. There is a pain that accompanies this type of event, but the degree to which it is registered is likely to be on par with that sustained when biting one's tongue.

The worst commitment issue that spawns itself into my life YTD is certainly in regards to females. It's like I'm talking to one on the phone while banging another one while fantasizing about yet another. This is really quite sick, well, from a moral perspective anyway. Perhaps some adhesive applied to my brain would raise my commitment levels a bit, or finding a fish fillet in the trash... I dunno.

Original post: Darkwater

First step is *realising* the problem.(well done)

2nd is working on your intent.What do you want?

What is your heartsmost desire?

what makes you tick,what is important to you.Where will it take me,what can I do to improve a situation.

You are not shallow,merely superficial.

Get to know yourself better.

Good Luck!

define what is *good* for you & what is*bad* for you.What gives you *pleasure*,what is damaging or disentigrates your spirit.ffs,could bore your arse of here.

Original post: Luke Saint

Commitment, hahaha. Isn't my delay telling enough? One thing is that I used to be a popular boy. In middle school I was dating one of the most popular girls in school (at her insistence). I was also the class clown and friends with the athletic type kids. I wasn't the most "built" person, but everybody loved me. Then my father died of cancer suddenly and I became lost. The door was shut on me, I could no longer continue with these people. I broke up with my gf and became a loner and hermit.

Other events then sealed me up further (see PPC#2). Now I must deal with this entrancing view of life.

I think that it is our experiences as a child that makes us who we are today. Science and religion are just colors we paint on our lives but in the long run paint becomes cracked and needs to reapplied.

Original post: Eretik

I didn't see this thread until now.Luke,you sound a lot like me.My sister is schizophrenic,coping with the behaviour of a close family member who is like this does affect you,very much so,even years after you see them last. My sister is estranged from me,mainly because I 'trigger' her,she can't cope with past traumatic events in our lives,which I am a living reminder of,to her.It saddens me,but I'd rather she was alright without me,than fucked up beside me,if that makes sense.I don't do well with 'small talk' either,I'm comsidered anti social and 'strange' by most folk I meet.Like you, I can talk at length about matters metaphysical and intellectual etc. but I too drop and avert my eyes in 'ordinary' everyday situations,I just don't like having to interact,it makes me uncomfortable,to the point of wanting to run away.However,I can get up on a stage in front of hundreds of people too: and expound at length without any fear or nerves,I can involve and carry my audience,almost hypnotically - my lecturers at college and uni. were very impressed by my oratorial ability,now If I could only sing or play an instrument,I'd be famous,lol.But seriously,it takes me a long time to get to know people and longer still to trust them.I haven't read all the posts here yet,but I will.I'm tired right now so I'd rather be able to give this my full attention,later.For me ,the confidence came through amphetamines - on speed I was a social dynamo,witty,sharp,fascinating,friendly etc. but I knew it couldn't last,so I stopped it before I got too fucked up,thankfully.I liked it far to much for it to be healthy for me.Crutches can support you for a while, but are not a good long term solution.Yeh,I'm sure you know that already.Basically,what I'm saying is you are not alone in this.It helped me to know others had also stood in my shoes.I find that my detachment,conversely, can be a very good thing in dealing with others problems,I see the damaged ones,I understand how it feels,I can find the root and pull it out,where others can't see anything.I probably don't make sense there,I'll try that again later,in English.lol.Thinking of you,mate.More later.Geri.

Original post: Luke Saint

I can really relate too on your idea about amphetamines, I too find sociability in uppers. Jekyll and Hyde is the best story for understanding this type of interaction with drugs. This sort of thing, this withdrawnness just sucks. I hate the fact that in order to talk to others I have to be drunk or in order to get laid I have to be wasted, it's really quite unnerving. Thank you for your post my dear, I look forward to seeing you future posts. I myself will be writing #6 for this thread starting now. Peace.

Original post: Eretik

"define what is *good* for you & what is*bad* for you.What gives you *pleasure*,what is damaging or disentigrates your spirit."
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Nailed it Andy.Sorry for not talking with you sooner mate.Where are those posts Luke?you got me talking now,we should 'roll with it' [song quote: Oasis].I went to see my mate's band play a gig tonight,music does indeed soothe the savagest of breasts.You are lucky to be able to play,I envy you that.It's an amazing ability.More later.