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So, after much time searching it seems my original thread with this name was deleted, which I'm not going to lie, I'm somewhat pissed off about, but in it, I had promised to share this story for a very long time. It was (I think) my first thread on this forum.
As a small token of appreciation, I have decided to copy/pasta this wall of text from a personal conversation I held with a member of these boards. Keep in mind, it took me several months to formulate these words, and I still did not do them justice. Even worse, this was written several months ago from now.

I analyze this situation constantly, and every single time I do acid I have the same brush with Death as I did in this situation, although to a lesser extent as my abilities increase over time.

I don't ask anyone to believe what I say, nor to offer their judgments, although you're more than welcome to them.

This is the trip report that changed my life, and continues to do so every day.
After this I had no choice but to question reality in every way I could.
This event took place approximately three years ago.


Damnit, okay. I'm need to try and write this out, and there are going to be parts that are more than capable of being discredited, but the over-all event as a whole pretty much solidified my belief in God.
This is also going to sound kind of arrogant, but at the time, I could not control my thoughts or actions very well.
I need to tell you this for you to understand though. There's two parts, and a lot to read.


Okay, so my girlfriend and I like to trip on LSD together a lot. The first day she moved in with me, we had a long ass trip that pretty much solidified our relationship forever. We've also tripped on mushrooms once together (been trying to get more) and we've been together to blast off on DMT every time either of us has done it.
One particular LSD trip we had, I (for some reason) started thinking my girlfriend was possessed by the spirit of a witch, and was attempting to cast spells on me by using subtle conversation. At that time, it was her, myself, and my roomate who was not tripping (and never has.) Keep in mind, I handle my hallucinogenics VERY well. The most terrifying visual I've ever seen, I laughed at. I've never freaked out like this until that time (I've also tripped by myself, and at night, with no problems.)
I was freaking out in my head, because a certain "crowd mentality" as I call it overtook everyone there. My girlfriend was still my girlfriend as far as anyone else could tell, but there were subtle things about her that changed. The same happened with my roomate. He all of a sudden got really obnoxious, as if to try and distract me from my inner thoughts. He specifically was speaking about stupid mundane things, and my girlfriend just stared at me with a smile on her face (again, from the outside view, this is because of the drug.)
My roomate did nothing to distract me, and almost instantly after that event, my girlfriend looked at him, and he got up and went inside (we were on our back porch.) without a second word.
From then on, my mate continued staring and smiling at me, and each time she would say something, it felt more like a ploy to lower my defenses. As I said, I know this sounds arrogant, and sort of degrading to my girlfriend. I'd never thought like that before, and really haven't since.
She eventually went inside, because I was pretty much remaining silent, almost in tears that I'd have to abandon her forever (keep in mind that I wasn't thinking the most clearly, due to intoxication. Even with the credit I give this experience, I can see that.)
As soon as she got inside, she opened the window leading out the porch in our bedroom, and I heard her whispering from inside. It sounded almost as if the words were coming from my own head. From there, I went off of my porch to sit under the tree in my yard, and it started raining.
I balled my eyes out for several minutes, kinda snotted on myself (I was really gross) and I was shaking ridiculously. Almost vibrating from my core.
I sat there for five hours straight, meditating, staring forward, and coming to terms with my death. I really feel like I almost transcended that day. I practically willed myself to death, and at the last second, I pussied out, because I thought about what my loved ones would say finding me there the next morning. I imagined my spit and tear covered, curled up body, and then I saw my girlfriend freaking out crying, as if seeing the future.
This all happened after about the 3.5 hour mark while sitting out there. All of a sudden after seeing that, I was the most lucid and sober I've ever been in my entire life. I decided to keep living at that point, but still sat out there, pondering everything that just happened.
I felt really cleansed by my tears and the rain, but it did nothing but leave me with endless questions.
I went inside after I saw the sun peak above the horizon, changed my clothes and showered, and went right to bed. (Usually I cannot fall asleep for at least 7 hours immediately after a trip.)
I was scared to eat any acid for a while, but eventually, my mate and I tripped again.

This time, is the important one.
Our trip started off like normal. We were conversing, having a good time, watching some tv and stuff.
About an hour after our peak (2-2.5 hours in) I started having a freak out again.
This is where it starts to sound really arrogant, but I really had no control of my thoughts.
Throughout the rest of the trip, every single action, every single word either of us said, felt like a battle between good and evil (but not such simple aspects)
My girlfriend became the aspect of all evil, blackness, negativity, projection, the feminine. Every concept of the two poles.
I was, at that time, goodness, positivity, the masculine, etc.
I really can't explain this as properly as I need to.. What I'm saying probably sounds ridiculous, and like nothing but drug-induced insanity.... It really felt like God and Satan were duking it out, with us as their faces.
My girlfriend was constantly freaking out that I was freaking out, but even her freaking out caused me to freak out more.
I kept like.. Recessing into myself. I really think I was insane for a minute. It was like a clock with an arm that was stuck between two notches. Even netflix was fucking with my mind. All night it had plastered on the screen, "Playback timed out...
But we saved your place!!!"
Extremely relevant to the situation at hand.
To explain a few of the smaller things that would happen; we were mindlessly passing (pace-ing) around the house, I would turn a light on in a room in the house, and at the same time, in a different part of the house, she would turn a light off. (shes just trying to save power, I'm just freaking out on drugs.) This continued for like five minutes throughout the entire house, her entering the rooms I left, until eventually she gave up and all the lights were on.
As I said, the conversations we were having about our own real life, actually held secrets of metaphors that I was really focusing on. At one point when I was freaking out, I looked her dead in the eye and said "Is this shit really happeneing?" Projecting the entire idea of what I meant into her. She looked at me, with absolute certainty and tears in her eyes, shook her head and said "Yes.."
This was only the preliminary part of the trip. At a certain point several hours in, we both layed down in our bead, kinda staring at eachother, talking. I was freaking out less and less, because I felt like I was wearing the will of evil down. (I should make a mention here now that I had absolutely *no* visual hallucinations this entire night.)
As we were laying in bed, I started zoning off, and kinda.. Losing myself. I felt myself being sucked into her eyes, and she into mine. At that particular point (though someone has described this as tantric sex to me), I felt like we were both about to reincarnate. I saw the white light, and it was some mothers vagina..
We both suddenly looked up at eachother like, "Huh, what?"
She then got really horny (not joking), pointed down to her crotch with that look in her face, and said, "Well, there's nothing left to do now." shortly followed by "If I ever got pregnant, I would seriously die."
At that point, my mind went to a conception I call "The Father and the Crone." Basically, we would fuck, she would instantly give birth and die, and from there either I or both of us would incarnate into the child, or I would be left to raise the child alone. Seriously, my mind cannot make up this fucked up of shit.
I ignored her, and she recessed back down into our original position, as I started zoning out in her eyes again.
By this point, I sort of knew what was going on, and I decided to purposefully leave this realm through her eyes.
She suddenly said "No!, I know what you're trying to do and I won't let you." I didn't understand what she meant at the time, but I was me again.
This is where I saw the demon face to face. I went into soft-vision (which I've described in thread before) and I saw the most grotesque face imaginable overtop of my girlfriends. No hallucination I've ever had was this real. AS soon as I saw the eye of the creature in its proper form, it got this terrified look in it's eye.
The best way I can describe the face, is to imagine a ball of unformed flesh, add in several random cut open holes for mouths, deformed looking teeth coming out of them. It had one main eye, but there were at least three more that looked deformed and disgusting. When I went into soft-vision, it was impossible for me to get out of it, so I had no choice but to look this thing straight in it's face. I was no longer talking to my girlfriend, in any possible way (whereas though out the rest I was partially).
I looked it in the eyes, and filled myself with resolve. I saw a single tear fall from it's main eye, and then, in my girlfriends voice it said "You've defeated me."
My eyes left soft-vision on their own, but when I went into it again, I could only see my girlfriends third eye (Yes, humans have a *"real"* third eye that can only be seen by glimpsing through the veil, when in proper soft vision, you see individually with each eye. I can describe this more later.)
From there on, it was as though we were both completely ourselves. We were still kind of lucid from the acid, and she was absolutely unable to talk about what had happened. She explicitly told me not to bring it up, because it physically hurt her brain thinking about it. The entire time, I thought she had no idea what was going on, but after a couple days, she told me the exact event in the exact words I couldn't find to explain them to her, without telling her a single thing that happened in my head.
We stayed awake for several hours after that. We took a walk down to the local church garden that people can rent out, and had many more metaphorical conversations. Although (just as arrogant) this time I felt as though I was God, walking one of his creations through the Garden of Eden.
When I say metaphorical conversations, by the way, I'm saying like.. My sentence is "We could grow anything we want here", referring to the garden in a physical aspect. But that is completely not what I mean. I don't remember what the idea was behind that sentence was originally, although it has to do with the God-Creation like idea.
I can't really remember what happened after our time spent at the church garden.


I didn't tell these stories nearly well enough to give them any justice, but hopefully, you understand why I had the question I did. The second trip was by far the most intense and terrifying.
And like I said, I'm not sure if I made the right choice by continuing to live in these situation. I know for a fact that had I continued in the state I was, I would have died. Where I would have ended up after that, I don't know.
Was I the demon, or was the being I saw in my mate? Did I simply project my own demons on to her, for my to be able to conquer?
I noticed for a while after that, every little subtle thing I did sort of cut the ties in our relationship a little more. I was scared of being intimate with her, and I could literally see each string that hold us together snapping. It's taken a lot of active effort on my part to fix these issues with myself, because I do love her and don't want to lose her, although I think I might need to to really achieve what God has planned for me.
This is the most intimate thing I have ever written on the internet in my entire life, so I would be much obliged if you could sort of think openly and offer any thoughts you can on the whole thing, and also keep this conversation between the two of us. It's quite a personal one, that I don't often share. (the first part, however, I was going to share on my thread Magick and Hallucinogenics.)
I should make a note that a couple weeks ago my mate and I tripped out again with absolutely no issues. We started on half a blotter because we were nervous about it, but took the other half after our peak. Which is also weird, because I've never had pre-flight anxiety with LSD, just DMT. I felt like the god of everything I was seeing last time.


As another final note that was not in the PM, and I'm typing now as I post this new thread, I've had two new experiences with LSD since then with a similar feeling, although involving another person as well. I will highlight some of the results of the most recent one.

One of our good friends decided to privilege us to some blotters for taking him to an amusement park with us, to ride the roller coasters.
We took it on the car ride there, and it hit as as we were getting into the park. (we being myself, my mate, and our good friend "B.")
For the first hour and a half or so, everything was dandy. We waited in line with no problem. Got on our rides, and had a little bit of thrill. It was a nice sensation, and the first ride proved it to be the most beautiful trip I've ever been on.
After about our forth ride, I noticed the strange feeling onset of my insanity kicking in. The literal only thing I can relate it to is the feelings I experienced in the story above.
I noticed B. kept giving me this look. This look like I knew what I was supposed to be doing.
I was listening to a conversation between my mate and B., and the same feeling arose with their speech, where their conversation was highlighting something hidden that that were really conversing about. I cannot remember the inner or outer details of the conversation.
As it was happening though, they each slightly glanced me a look, like not only was I in war with evil, but I had even gotten an ally, who was extremely disappointed in my actions. I shot them both mental messages saying that I was not ready to choose my fate, that I was happy with my current reality, and to leave the conversation alone.
To my utter surprise, it worked, and I had no state similar to that the rest of the day. There were no feelings of agitation or choice, I was simply being for the day.

This story was probably more underwhelming than the last, but meh.
Nonetheless, after these tales I hope you at least think twice before you make any solid judgements about anything.
It took several, several trip before this started onsetting, and as each one goes by my trips contain less flashy colors and more battles with my own death.

Finally, what sparked me to actually post this was the book I just started reading for no reason called Techniques of Modern Shamnism vol. 1, and they write a line speaking of shamanic journeying that says "The trigger may be different each time - crisis, drugs, gnosis, a brush with death - these are the ways your allies open the doors for you - the risk is entering feet first. Death is, in fact, a critical factor. You must surrender yourself to death - lie back in her arms and she will most likely hand you back. If not, well better luck next time."

So, after much time searching it seems my original thread with this name was deleted, which I'm not going to lie, I'm somewhat pissed off about, but in it, I had promised to share this story for a very long time. It was (I think) my first thread on this forum.

Do you mean this thread perhaps, the one in Theology, titled Magick and Psychedelics?

http://www.occultforum.org/forum/viewto ... 56#p488256

Magick and Psychedelics.
Postby Haelos » Wed Nov 12, 2014 3:53 pm

I know this road has been traversed a million times over, but today, I am not here to debate. Merely to share a story.

We've all heard the stories about hallucinogenic drugs, and their effects on the mind and consciousness.
I don't wish to debate the legitimacy of this, nor do I wish to discuss the moral boundaries of these drugs.
We all have our own opinions.

However, I can admit, they share a direct influence on magick. To what extent, I am unsure, however.

My story, a short one..
My mate and I enjoy the occasional LSD experience. It has solidified or relationship beyond any conceivable belief. In fact, it was a lot of what made my occult studies more serious. I'd always dabbled in the learning, but never actually practiced.

In one of our later trips, after a decent time of study and practice in the arts, I decided to try an experiment...

We check accusations against staff, which claiming deletion counts as and we keep impeccable logs. I saw no deletions regarding any of your threads or posts when I checked but I did find this thread, not actually titled the same and in a different folder.

Maybe that's why you couldn't find it?

I forget thread titles after a while, so thought I'd do a quick search in case.

Do carry on. [thumbup]

There is also a link to "view your posts" at the top of the page.

You're probably cringing, but I will read the entire post above and respond in time.

For now its important to remember that during these altered states your perception is a matter of choice. Is that a leaf, or a frog? Is the tree covered in bark, or insects?

The principals you can lean on. The details are up to you.

A tip for your next venture: Try to obtain perfect symmetry inside and out. Its a lot easier to fly when you're aerodynamic. You'll get to your answers quicker if you can eliminate the resistance your body and mind create through imbalanced thought, and actions.

While sober, you can practice by standing in front of a mirror. Or even engaging both sides of your brain at the same time in separate individual tasks (pat head, rub belly) or by working together (juggling).

My only other recommendation.....

next time try to spend most of your time in nature as far removed from the modern world as possible.

I ask those I share these experiences with to forget their cell phones, watches, jewelry, ect; and leave them somewhere that they can't be distracted by them.

Return to where you came from.... Nature.

I always end up barefoot with my shirt off... I never go totally naked because there are very few individuals who are prepared for completely nude adventures and it can be a huge distraction in itself.

Reconnecting with Nature can be a process in itself for a lot of people and for them I have to lead by example. They usually witness others flying far beyond their bodies before they realize how weighed down they are themselves.

The world humanity has created is a method of protection against the elements. Its incredibly necessary, but spiritual growth can't be obtained when we are so disconnected from the source.

Reconnect.

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That being said I have spent a few hours playing video games before. Its incredibly enjoyable. Battlefield 4 for me was a soldier's wet dream and while incredibly entertaining, I didn't exactly take full advantage of my altered state.

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Music is great. The problem is technology.

I lean heavily on music during these experiences. I really do. Even far out in nature I will bring my bluetooth speaker and have something playing the entire time.

The trick here is to play something that is progressive, each tracks blends smoothly into the next. Find something you can just press play to and "travel" to it for hours.

Find something positive, uplifting, bright colors and sounds.

Dark and gloomy music can ruin everything, even for the strongest travelers.

That being said, prescreen your music before hand. Or.....

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Designate a sober person to DJ for you guys. Someone who understands whats going on and can keep the mood/tempo/flow positive. You should lose a decent amount of finger dexterity and interacting with technology that relies on linear thinking (First I do this, then that) will be very difficult to manage while you're in your altered state.

---------------------------------------

Choose the sober people you surround yourself with wisely. They should understand that you will want to express yourself and they might not be able to follow you. Or that you're going to zone out and come to moments of eureka that result in shouts/screams/random declarations and affirmations that seem totally random.

This person shouldn't attempt to understand, or try to get you to explain because it will only derail you from the path you were on.

Don't feel like you have to explain. Its your trip, not theirs.

You might want to try to teach this person something. Wait until later.

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If you are well on your way to a glorious moment of eureka and fall off your path don't freak out, get stressed, or angry.

Retrace your steps. Thankfully, the substances make falling back into the flow very very easy. You just need to pick back up from where you started.

I've had to do this multiple times. Its not hard, but when you keep getting "knocked off" at the same spot over and over you're not learning your lesson. You need to observe whats preventing you from moving forward and take care of that before making another attempt.

This is when finding your own symmetry/balance comes into play like I mentioned above.

This is the moment you "pass through the eye of the needle".

When you cast all earthly possessions and thoughts aside, including your own body.

You must be aligned yourself, like the straightest arrow ever, pointing right towards the prize.

-----------------------------------------

Its difficult to put together a guide on how to "guide" these experiences to get them to where you want to go. The process of learning how to do that is the path we walk on our spiritual journeys.

Essentially its what everyone here is talking about.

The reality is Truth/God/Magick/whatever is a light that shines through all paradigms.

Its the principals you need to remember when you're doing the work. Your experience will always be unique unto yourself. The principals are the teachers.

------------------------------------------

Hope that makes sense.

You are on the brink man. I'm just trying to push you over the edge.

Tough love brother.

Get used to it.

See you on the other side very soon I hope.

I forget threads and titles frequently, so no worries Haelos [thumbup]

It's part of my job here to track and find, so I don't mind looking. [grin]

Magari's advice is pretty solid here, I think too.

I remember a deep trip I had once where I was realizing something - my identity actually had a river of life and consciousness flowing through it at all times. These were other people, other beings, constantly passing through me much like kinetic energy or thermodynamics would. Somehow I was a fixed bend in that river and for some strange reason being a container with no distinct identity of its own aside from fixity and having all of these beings flow through me felt blissful even slightly erotic.

Seems like if you find yourself in a strange mood (or in this case it was your girlfriend putting you in a strange mood) she had a particular visitor deciding to make its life her business and I'd take a guess that she met you on its terms if it turned out that the moment it was gone the bindings of the relationship started coming unglued.

I haven't had that experience, thankfully, and I think it would irk me more just being a long-term single because on top of loosing someone one I'd start getting the whole "Is this all I'm good for?! To be a target of parasites?".

I guess this is where it's worth continuing to keep this particular thought in your pocket - to watch your emotional resonances and trust that your instincts with people are at least giving you back some form of valid data. I know any time I've met someone and they instantly made a bad first impression, even if they overcame that I'd find that there was a valid reason for my perceptions (whether or not they were a problem notwithstanding).

I would be curious though - did you have any off feelings about your girlfriend without the drug or prior to these incidents?

When I think about this stuff I feel like i need to go back to several times in my life where I've met people who seemed to be particularly psychic and it's like they'd see 4th of July fireworks coming out of my head and around my eyes (silvers, violets, and the like as someone once put it). It makes me think that we can sort of sense this stuff without the drug, even if we aren't THAT psychic that we're seeing it all day every day - something in us will feed the impression in another manner even if it filters out the visual display of things.

Our collective consciousness has a million different thought forms that can seem like separate entities unto themselves and since we are in an altered state where our choices of perspective are 100x more powerful, these thought forms can become very distracting and even take over an experience entirely.

Some people come with these thought forms attached to them. They live in our beliefs.

This is where banishment exercises become important.

Some people don't want to let go. It can be very painful, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This is when you have to lead by example.

They will witness you on our own path/journey and once you see that they see..... ask them if they want to do the same. However, its impossible to "pass through the eye of the needle" with the baggage they cling to, so most people realize they can't hang onto it any longer.

Not everyone can let go though. You can only show them the door.

After reading your original post, Haelos, all I can say is... damn.

This is the trip report that changed my life, and continues to do so every day.
After this I had no choice but to question reality in every way I could.
This event took place approximately three years ago.

I'm sure it was quite life-changing. After three years of digestion, how do you feel about it now?

So it wasn't deleted and all good?

Yep, all good Stukov. [thumbup]

Wee note for general info folks:

We usually let a member know of any post content or thread deletion, so if you think one of yours has gone missing, let one of us know and we'll check logs etc. Sometimes things go wrong and it helps us to help you if we know about it. We rarely delete anything and it's always discretionary or moderation bound.

The trip reports you give sound, frankly, like instances of drug-induced psychosis. I've had psychotic episodes in the past, drug induced and otherwise, where people I loved seemed sinister, embodiments of evil, like there was some darker meaning behind their words and actions, et cetera, et cetera. I will give you a strong word of advice: such thinking is madness, and down that road leads suffering for yourself, those you love, and your relationships with them.

I'm lucky enough that my partner who was with me at the time stuck by me until I healed mentally and spiritually (we are now married). I'm also lucky enough that I've never taken psychedelics with her when I was in such a state. If your partner doesn't want to talk about the difficult experience you shared, I would be less inclined to believe that there is truth in the paranoid thoughts of your trip, and more inclined to believe that the two of you shared a very bad experience. She was probably on her own awful trip.

I'm not saying that nothing profoundly spiritual was happening - it sounds like what you went through was extremely spiritually harrowing. I just wouldn't take your specific perceptions from that moment, especially towards your partner, to be more than what they were.

My advice, had this just happened, would be to take some time for healing. Spiritual cleansing through ritual means, et al, would be a really good idea, both directed at you, your partner, and both of you collectively. In time, very gently broaching the topic with your partner would probably also be a good idea, so the two of you can come to some consensus on what happened, that your perspective of the incident might evolve. Talking about it is also important for your relationship. Most importantly, I'd advise laying off psychedelics for a good long while - indefinitely.

This advice is made moot somewhat by the fact that you say this all happened a long time ago. I too am interested in how time has changed your view of these events, and what you make of it all. For me, similar events have been catalyses for major spiritual awakenings, a you elude to, and have also caused me to make major changes in my life. I'm also curious if you ever ended up talking about it with your partner, and if so, what her experience through the whole thing was. Are you two still together?

I felt inclined to respond here, finally.

@Cyber: "I would be curious though - did you have any off feelings about your girlfriend without the drug or prior to these incidents?"

Only one negative event, towards the beginning of our relationship, would have any type of negativity attached to it. She did once break my trust, but it was remedied quickly, and the theme of the trip was nothing along the lines of the prior event, not even in any type of restrospect.
Since these trips, I've had off feelings constantly, but I fight through them with pure force of will.


@Yex: "This advice is made moot somewhat by the fact that you say this all happened a long time ago. I too am interested in how time has changed your view of these events, and what you make of it all. For me, similar events have been catalyses for major spiritual awakenings, a you elude to, and have also caused me to make major changes in my life. I'm also curious if you ever ended up talking about it with your partner, and if so, what her experience through the whole thing was. Are you two still together?"

We are still together, although we've had trips since then with the exact same themes of "God versus Satan" in them. In fact, every one. I once even obtained an ally, who was very disappointed that I hadn't won this war by now.
We really haven't spoken about the event much, only in passing, but my mate confirms what was happening in my head whenever I question her about it. She always eludes the topic, however, and even sober, I occasionally have the sense that I'm fighting a losing battle, only I'm less aware and less on defense. Less "Lucid," if you will.

Your comments about the madness thing didn't particularlly help. I remind myself every day how mad I am. I'm not sure if this has any effect, but at the very least, I'm still sane enough to know that I'm losing my sanity, so until that slips, I think I'll be okay. Unless, I already lost my sanity, and this is what insanity is like. Who really knows. I might figure things out once I'm dead, if I'm lucky. Until then, all I have is faith, and little more.

@corvidus:
I feel scared, lost, and more alone than I've ever felt in my entire life (even with a companion at my side), yet I still summon the strength to push through it and continue my pursuit of knowledge.

I'm late joining in here, but that was due to my previous input being around the thread issue and not the content.

Has your girlfriend tripped with you since the second event?

I have to point out that if I was her, I wouldn't. You used her to represent the 'evil' archetype, that suggests you have an issue with her that lies deep and is not resolved.

The interplay between satan and god has always been internal, in my own experience and those I've tripped with and that of folk I've discussed the subject with. It's also inconsistent with much of the literature and written material I've read on entheogen/ psychedelic uses and effects.

You externalised the battle over socially dualistic conditioning that usually happens within the self. That I think, is a problem.

It can be resolved externally too, but I'm not sure you're in the right head space for further entheogenic exploration, as of your posting here.

Nahemah wrote:I'm late joining in here, but that was due to my previous input being around the thread issue and not the content.

Has your girlfriend tripped with you since the second event?

I have to point out that if I was her, I wouldn't. You used her to represent the 'evil' archetype, that suggests you have an issue with her that lies deep and is not resolved.

The interplay between satan and god has always been internal, in my own experience and those I've tripped with and that of folk I've discussed the subject with. It's also inconsistent with much of the literature and written material I've read on entheogen/ psychedelic uses and effects.

You externalised the battle over socially dualistic conditioning that usually happens within the self. That I think, is a problem.

It can be resolved externally too, but I'm not sure you're in the right head space for further entheogenic exploration, as of your posting here.

It has been a while, but we've had at least two that I can remember since this thread was even posted.

She doesn't like to talk about what transpired, and I've stopped pushing her to try.
If I was externalizing an unsolved problem, I could tell you exactly which one it is, but there's no way of me fixing it besides gaining back lost trust, which isn't easy. I'm not even purposely not-trusting of her. It's a subconscious thing I have no active control over.

Since those primary experiences, I've continued to have this "war-like" feeling every time I trip, but other people are always very key elements in it. My girlfriend also hasn't been the only opposition I've faced.

Actually, and I'm really trying not to be sexist here, but it seems that females are always on the "evil" end of things, and any males in my vicinity are always, somehow, on "my" side. It makes little sense.
That doesn't really mean the other men or women there are trying to actually help/hinder me, it's just, they're the defining line that shows my own battle. For instance, I was in a smoke circle with my girlfriend and one friend, also a girl; We were all tripping. This other girl had two of her friends with us, one guy and his girlfriend. In total, two guys, 3 girls. Everything the guy would say was immediately combated by his girlfriend, in the same way that happens when I speak with my own mate. Mind you, this is not the same kind of "Wife-bitching-at-husband" stuff you're probably thinking when I say this. It's all casual conversation, that *seems* to have very deep occult significance in every word and action. I also don't feel like I'm just thinking with occulted-glasses on either, here. It's too consistent for that.

In a lot of these instances, I get caught in thought-loops (only just learned that phrase) where I start to panic about my own interpretation of things. That's become easier to combat, however, and only one time have I freaked out to the point where I could cause a disturbance in public.
Generally, it's a very calm, but decisive battle. My inside clock is running a mile-a-minute, and the air gets kinda heavy. Other than that, I think I handle things quite well.


I've only ever spoken to two other people who have experienced anything remotely like what I did (both mates from reddit), and one of them said they have the same issue as me, where Satan takes on the form of their loved ones. However, they say that they handle it a lot better than I do, and they view it as more of a "Dance" than a "war."
I also feel as though this same person could have been a "Satan-figure" that was trying to mislead me, because how they wrote was very similar to how my girlfriend speaks when we're tripping. That's probably just paranoia though, and I don't trust my distrust.

They said that if you continue the dance, eventually the Satan-forms and You/the Godhead merge and become the same being for a short while. I was not told what this is actually like, but it's not what happens when I relax. That is for sure.


I've pretty much just decided that if I'm going to be tripping, I either need to do it by myself, or we need to have enough to do together that we can't possibly get bored or have the desire to talk to each other in a deep manner.

It forces me to make choices that I'm not ready for, that push me very surprisingly close to the brink, and I can't have that in every little human experience. I can say with certainty that I'm surprised I returned from that first experience, and I will continue to seek out more, just not with my loved ones around.
LSD is a cruel but giving mistress.

This may seem a little captain obvious here:

But, what was your religious upbringing, if any and where are you from, loosely speaking?

Are your reddit friends also male and is their othering of primarily female loved ones too?

Sounds like you are having a hard time breaking social conditioning, from what I've read so far and this can lead to an extended dissonance period, cognitive dissonance occurs at stages in development but yours has been externalised and the dance that ends in merging and equilibration can't happen till you deal with these externalised issues.

Thank you for sharing, that was a great read. It reminds me of similar experiences I've had, but with Cannabis (for some reason cannabis can give me intense delusions.) Once I thought my girlfriend was bewitching me with her speech, and I've been communicated to by demons several times via electronic devices and auditory hallucinations.

I think there's a lot of merit with hallucinogens and their ability to bring deeper meaning to the human experience. Frightening experiences can be beautiful. Again thanks for sharing.

Spida wrote:

I'm waiting for the middle of spring, so I can go on a hunt for some Amanita Muscaria.
I will only be looking for the red ones, to better distance myself from the deadly Amanitas.
I have a bunch of videos to watch in preparation for my excursion.

I have tried Nutmeg, Diphenhydramine, Dextromethorphan, plus I smoke really good weed frequently.
I think with Diphen, and Dextro, the amount needed for alternate perception, and visuals -
Will probably make you physically dysphoric. I am extremely conservative with drugs, and
start with test doses, progressing to small doses. Which is to say - nothing dramatic thus far.

At the moment, I am obsessed with these shrooms. I have it in my head that these are Ambassadors
to alternate realities, divine entities, etc.

The waiting sucks.
Weird things are happening again.
This would be the perfect time.

I've learned a lot from the mushroom spirits lately, and you and I are on similar paths. Good luck in your search for the holy Soma.
Seriously, seriously be careful for deadly look-alikes.

Diphenhydramine. No way, no thank you, get that shit out of my life.
Only tripped on Benadryll once, and it was the absolute worst experience of my life in many, many ways. It's a sad realization to know that probably started my path down these roads.


If you're looking for something a bit more next level, I would recommend simply getting some regular Cubes and making a spagyric tincture with them during a time when Mercury is in height.
In fact, any direct "plant alchemy" with hallucinogenic mushrooms will give great results. This I share from personal experience.

I have a lot of big ambitions, yet I'm still working out the path to get to them. I'd like to eventually grow Psilocybe, and make a bunch of different stuff with it (as well as the many other plants I need to add to my indoor garden.)

Sounds like you're both on the Poison Path already and what you've experienced is just its inner unfolding.