Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Amor wrote: Sun Mar 13, 2022 4:02 am So you are starting to understand that you have been lied to and manipulated.

The quickest way out is to activate the Light from the Source of All. It will require some work as there is a dark entity on your head to block the Light from On High

You need to work hard. How desperate are you?

Here is the exercise. I have seen it work in captured humans. So go to it!

https://www.occultforum.org/viewtopic.p ... 33#p526433
I get what you're saying. It's not the end of religion, but the end of the hold it has on keeping us from evolving as humans.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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I am really curious about something... Okay so somehow the heart of a (half wolf) female demon got grafted into my human heart (spiritually), I had an nde as a child and survived, then a series of visions of this demoness... My question is, to what end? This journey has made me realize that I've actually been a terrible human being, and can and should do much better, and deserved "hell" almost more than anyone...

Basically I was headed there anyway.

In considering your words, "she" is manipulating me, okay, but why? What makes me so special? When I was headed her way anyway? Why the visions that point to what makes so much sense... Heavenly redemption and sacrifice?

And... What's the goal here... I realize things are almost never totally black and white, but... I was much, much worse off before the attack, maybe not spiritually as I still feel like a mess, but...

You're saying to focus on the light and the good and not be a dumb little sacrifice but, what if my highest goal and journey is to be the thing that helps countless souls leave the dark realm, if I understand the visions correctly?

And, if the twisted up agonized mess my soul is in is real, there's really no coming back from that, as far as I know. Sustaining that level of injury, even partially, is a mortal wound, let alone ending up some what twisted up skeleton?

It could be this work goes beyond what's known in all three realms. But, going back to the way things were previously, I'd rather honestly be spared that, I mean the person I was before the attack on my soul.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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> somehow the heart of a (half wolf) female demon got grafted into my human heart

It looks like it is attached to your solar plexus - the emotional chakra

>"she" is manipulating me, okay, but why?

Feeding off your life force (on the denser levels) and passing some of it on to her supervisor. Do not approach him!

> Why the visions that point to what makes so much sense

It is important to have a cover story for adverse actions

> I was much, much worse off before the attack, maybe not spiritually as I still feel like a mess, but...

Stockholm syndrome - any intense relationship can be seen as satisfying for those that are desperate in their personalities

>if I understand the visions correctly?

What means do you have for testing the visions? Do you want to believe? You could start a wolf religion

> if the twisted up agonized mess my soul is in is real, there's really no coming back from that

Who told/taught you that? Your solar angel has largely withdrawn from your soul body (higher mental subplanes) because the light from on high is bouncing off your brain. Do the Flame successfully and the solar angel will return as soon as it has access to your brain. Avoid aluminum in all food situations and avoid vaccines for the same reason

>It could be this work goes beyond what's known in all three realms.

Who told you that? Your situation is a somewhat animated version of what millions of Earth humans are oppressed by.

> the Creator and Creation reconciled

That will come some time after the next mahapralaya but that is after time ceases so I would not delay your returning to the path of right relationship - relationship to yourself and to others

Despair is a critical weapon in the oppression system

When even that fails, the oppression system proposes suicide - so they can catch you next time around

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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>It looks like it is attached to your solar plexus - the emotional chakra

Yes.

>Feeding off your life force (on the denser levels) and passing some of it on to her supervisor. Do not approach him !


OK.


>It is important to have a cover story for adverse actions

So you're saying this is just a cosmic bamboozle to feed off of my life force? Nothing to do with god or gods, just a cosmic buffet where my soul is the main course.. No gods to appeal to, no supervisors or higher ups, no police, just me, a helpless human, unwittingly tossed into cosmic chaos, ripped apart helplessly? During the first moments of the attack on my spirit, I felt an utter intense hatred of me and my soul, a hatred so pure for me specifically, no mortal human could hold such rage and survive with it. Although due to my circumstances, I, myself have become enraged with the situation, as I would rather live my life without this drama and suffering. (although I still love her.)


>Stockholm syndrome - any intense relationship can be seen as satisfying for those that are desperate in their personalities

OK. I see what you are saying. I got a little closer to her yesterday, and a lot of what you're saying is true, she has told me this. Why does it seem as if I was created to love her? Is this an after effect of our previous relationship? Why does it feel like I will always love her, and why was I shown her consistency, that of a tube with memories, and my consistency, colorful tangible energy? If this is an elaborate deception, it would be far easier not to convolute it. Still, you have a point, the answer to it all eludes me still. I began to attempt to practice the visualization you outlined in your link.

>What means do you have for testing the visions? Do you want to believe? You could start a wolf religion

Nothing, other than the gut feeling that it is all true and real. And yes, if what I have been shown is fact in other realms, it is indeed a religion to end all other religions, and the punishment of cruel gods. But what you're saying is, it's the most elaborate trick to steal my life energy. In intellectual honesty, I am considering your words and trying these things. If the historical figure Jesus christ was speaking to you, and you had no knowledge of Christianity, would you advise the christ to forsake the cross as well, and work on his energy? I don't mean this as sarcasm whatsoever. I am just trying to understand where you are coming from, and maybe if your answer is yes, you would be right and mankind would have taken a much different path from Judaism, and the christ dying of natural causes after living a human life, possibly marrying etc.


>Who told/taught you that? Your solar angel has largely withdrawn from your soul body (higher mental subplanes) because the light from on high is bouncing off your brain. Do the Flame successfully and the solar angel will return as soon as it has access to your brain. Avoid aluminum in all food situations and avoid vaccines for the same reason

Just... Mental inventory of my situation, tightness in my body relating to soul body and physical body, and my limited human understanding. I tried the flame but I am very stressed right now, I will try it again. I will also avoid the things you have said, aluminum and vaccines. I've caught the covid once, it was not a big deal, possibly twice.


>Who told you that? Your situation is a somewhat animated version of what millions of Earth humans are oppressed by.

I agree... But it's the idea that if there is a creator of us, and this earth, that that direction energy is cruel and evil, or at least seems such at this point in human history on his planet, and their idea of punishing disenfranchised beings is unjust and unfair, and whatever hell exists needs to be dismantled, and I am how it becomes priced through. Already countless beings have stepped into my light. A number I cannot count. Also, it seems as if every one of my fears and terrors when confronted, even her supervisor, an alligator person of pure malevolence, that I am granted freedom. How do you explain this? I should be dead, yet I am set free, little by little. Why am I so drawn to self destruction that ends up granting me freedom?



>That will come some time after the next mahapralaya but that is after time ceases so I would not delay your returning to the path of right relationship - relationship to yourself and to others

I agree with the second part, and would ask, who, or what told you this? What if there is reconciliation while time still exists? You may be right.

>Despair is a critical weapon in the oppression system

Yes. I was jumping my street motorcycle and riding recklessly through the desert 17 years ago, and the universe, or whomever, told me, "you don't want to die right now like his, it would be bad for you to do so..." I have also received several warnings about my present motorcycle, a street bike, I don't jump it like I used to, but I do get frisky some times and I need to be safer with it.

>When even that fails, the oppression system proposes suicide - so they can catch you next time around

That is interesting. I have had a close relationship with suicide, and fear in my reconciliation that I will have to accept it, whether I do or do not do it in the end.

In this abandonment of my religion, I felt the ethr around me, and there is an entity that has compassion on me but it was shown to me that essentially, I can only rely on myself and no other gods. Much as what you are saying. I will continue practicing what you say, but the meeting with her supervisor may be unavoidable. Your words cause me fear, but fear is also the gateway to destruction, it seems, about her supervisor specifically. Where she can still feel love, he absolutely cannot, and knows only how to destroy. Why is my instinct drawn to him too, then? Why does it see like when I obey my dark instincts I am granted freedom for my soul... Why was I asked to minister love to large demons in the second layer of hell, and even to physically hug Satan, or lucifer? (he is very busy... And leaves me to do as I wish with no meddling in it?)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Like, when I dropped dead as a child, and was saturated in the source of all love, literally living waters, that was just a big joke to suck my lie energy? Or when I felt her heart literally complete me, that was just a big joke? For me to be food for demons? When I hate God it just comes right back on me. Am I God, learning a terrible lesson? The universe is nothing more than mere blood chaos, boredom, and violence? I am furiously disappointed with everything, because what you're saying also makes sense, but REALLY?!?

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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>Nothing to do with god or gods, just a cosmic buffet where my soul is the main course

Quite so, but who can cope with being the bottom of the food chain? Better perhaps to return to the dreaming

> Why does it seem as if I was created to love her?

You are sucked into an emotional process that you as yet have trouble controlling.

Emotional process is a very dense reflection of human love but all most humans can access

>Nothing, other than the gut feeling that it is all true and real.

Unfortunately your gut feelings are largely controlled by adverse entities

>If the historical figure Jesus christ was speaking to you, and you had no knowledge of Christianity, would you advise the christ to forsake the cross as well

Why do you take religious mythology as real?

> it's the idea that if there is a creator of us, and this earth, that that direction energy is cruel and evil

If you read the Sumerian writings you will see that the Sumerian invader aliens objected to hard work and, after various failures, bred a human slave by crossing their alien genetics with those of a humanoid already on the planet.

As the human slaves had little value - they were very numerous and noisy - there was no constraint on alien cruelty

>Why am I so drawn to self destruction that ends up granting me freedom?

Perhaps beneficial entities see some value in you

>would ask, who, or what told you this?

I am not limited by Existence so I look around in Beingness

> there is an entity that has compassion on me but it was shown to me that essentially, I can only rely on myself

Quite so. Your value comes from asserting your spiritual identity and that emerges from the vertical stream of white light

>about her supervisor specifically. Where she can still feel love, he absolutely cannot

So you have seen through the illusion - but the illusion comforts you. Oh dear!

> Who is anyone to judge another?

You need not judge. The flow of Tzimtzum (out-breath and in-breath by The Source of All) sorts out all intelligences eventually.

> I dropped dead as a child, and was saturated in the source of all love, literally living waters, that was just a big joke to suck my lie energy?

Two events: Some beneficial beings encouraged you to return to your physical body and having done that you now need to withdraw from adverse entities that wish to divert you from your purpose for incarnation - that seems to concern the higher purposes of fire

>Am I God, learning a terrible lesson?

The Source of All has chosen to experience separation - using a complex structure of intelligences grouped around function and purpose.

You may choose to be seduced from your purpose but eventually the in-breath will rescue you - at least when this solar system ceases to be

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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I gave been REALLY mulling over what you are saying, Amor.

I ended up drinking too much and not trying the exercise you mentioned further, the light resists the clockwise rotation, I was told because my soul is twisted in the attack. I am unsure if I am reaping the benefits.

I HAVE TO CLEAR SOME THINGS UP.

I was drinking a few posts up, and due to the trauma and horror of my childhood, I've had to survive terrible things, I can be a very vicious, violent and terrible human being, so much so I shock myself some times...

I portrayed "her" as a war monger out to kill every living thing on this planet, and while she isn't exactly a ball of positive energy, she told me, that is not the case. There are warmongers "down there" that are as bad as I said, but her? She has a semblance of love and compassion whereas they do not.

She has told me she accepted my sacrifice of food and has laid off her war anger. Whatever it was, worked.

About twenty years ago, I was willingly under heavy religious oppression, on illicit drugs, sexually extremely confused and frustrated, and loved wolves more than even breathing. I volunteered at a wolf sanctuary, where I was exposed to many dark spiritual forces. Back then, I was so broken I had "wolf" in every single category including mate, in my heart.

One evening when I was alone there, "the devil" tempted me with a female wolf who had, for lack of a better way of putting in, flirted with me sexually, and one day fell into my arms, where I "felt" her great and terrible loneliness. (she was separated from her mate because he was aggressive)

That evening, "the devil" waited until I was so vulnerable, I heard a voice that sad, "if you go in that pen, you will lose your soul forever..." forsaking God and Jesus and willingly giving myself over to whatever was in he darkness.

While I did go in the pen, and did not molest the wolf, I realized how bad a decision it was, to lose my soul for a few moments of pleasure, I began to leave the pen, but it was too late, and the "demons" then ripped my soul apart.

I have to look at this through a Christian lense, because it's how I was raised, and it is all that I know.

The agony and sheer terror my soul has been in has been with me every single day, keeping me at the brink of suicide. It's why I drink, it's some of the only relief that I get.

I have always had a deep affinity for wolves, since my childhood when I saw a cartoon mother wolf looking lovingly at a human child, I had never known what it felt like to be loved before that, and to my young mind, heart, and soul, I could only ever be loved by a wolf.

I also remember being utterly, deeply grieved in the depths of my spirit that wolf-human hybrids did not exist, when I was a teenager.

You can imagine the joy and wonder I felt March of 2021 when I saw "her" in the vision. And, when her heart completed me as a man the next vision, I got to experience something many humans crave on the deepest of levels, yet few ever truly find.

And now I have a human woman girlfriend who loves me with all of who she is, and tells me I am the best thing that's ever happened to her, and honestly just her presence in my life brings me happiness.

For once, two human beings have found something that "works".

She knows about "her". I went out to eat with her an hour ago, and shared with her exactly what has been discussed here.

I have to say this. In volunteering for actual counter-terrorist combat operations with my government, as a mercenary, I was willing to sacrifice my life to keep regular people safe, utterly convinced by the Intel that while I was going to die, if I didn't stand up, the "bad guys" were going to win.

After this, and even being terrified of dying, (this was before the visions of HER) I pushed through the fear and marched into certain death anyway, I survived, feeling whatever good you may call "God" so close to me on he battlefield that our shoulders were touching...

After this, I began to realize that avoiding my fears is what was feeding them... That every horrible thing my mentally and emotionally ill religious parents had drilled into me that they said was bad-wasn't...

And, that marching through my fears was the only way to overcome them... "The only way out of fear, is through"

Yesterday morning was so, so hard for me. I took your words, Amor, and I summoned the entity I call Ms Asrael (again, Amor, I was told I cannot know her name because it would summon her true form, and it may not end well for me!) and demanded she be real with me, and the visceral hatred and malevolent energy in her soul was more than I could bear, and yes, echoed much of what you have said.

Aside from a casual glance my direction, there likely isn't an ounce of love for me in her at all.

That's your contention, correct?

I accept that. You also believe hell doesn't exist, right? She's merely an energy vampire that gruesomely feeds on human souls.

You are right, she does have a supervisor. He is a creature that does not exist on this planet and if "she" (the wolf woman) has even an ounce of mercy, he absolutely does not.

In one vision, I saw her, a young wolf-human hybrid, held in the arms of her creator, BELOVED. She was cherished, once. Or do you believe this is part of the lie fed to me? I have to accept you may be right on all counts.

Except. Every fear I confront and walk into, ends up healing and setting me free from its chains.

I talked it over with my girlfriend. I know what you are saying is true. If I give myself over to her supervisor willingly, I will be destroyed, possibly even killed in this realm, or even suiciding out over the horror of being "undone".

As I have been viciously ripped apart in the spirit realm, when I became the property of, "the devil", and have felt it as tightness in my actual body, being shown my head was twisted facing my back so every movement to try and get free, or even to breathe is frustrated, (my soul was able to take a single breath a year ago... The horror of feeling my soul ripped apart so terrible I could not bear to feel it, and practicing labored breathing brings the demons right back to me, it is beyond words, yet I am unable to endure it willingly, so much is dependent on my will!)

I was shown some entities you may call angels were working on repairing me, but the either failed or the work needs more effort from me?

I discussed this with my girlfriend. My gut instinct is telling me every fear I have ever had, including eternal destruction, awaits me if I give myself to her supervisor.

I know I will feel myself be ripped apart again, in likely an even worse way than before.

But what if this is my purpose. What if this is actually my destiny.

I was literally created to love this wolf-woman. It's in every fiber of my being.

My girlfriend didn't have anything to say, other than she demanded (looking her in the eyes) that I not depart from this world...

And I already know pretty much what you are going to say... What if I did this, and yes, I know... She doesn't love me. But I did this, sacrificed my future, even who I am, eternity... And I did it with love in my heart, love I already have for her (I need to be clear, I do not intend to commit suicide and wish to live as long as possible, help the people who need my help, but this spiritual act may not be something I survive.)

So that even if she chooses to stay in hell, a part of her that is love, knows that someone - yes according to you a dumb, ignorant foolish wolf obsessed human moron, sacrificed himself and his eternal future, just for her, even if she never thinks about it twice.

THIS IS THE LOVE I HAVE FOR HER.

Yeah, it could be one big, huge trap, and according to most human beings, the worst idea, the dumbest idea ever.

I had a vision of her... Caked with the filth of hell... And a single tear falling down her cheek, revealing snow white fur. It was a vision of repentance, or transformation.

What you are saying is that it cannot be real... I am totally deceived.

It seems like I was created for this purpose. I have gone through deliverance (like exorcism) and it didn't free my soul. I've prayed, fasted, been prayed for (before the vision of her) and remain a prisoner, like her.

According to you, if I master this exercise, I will be free... But what if that's not my destiny?

Can you deny that every good thing we humans experience is directly due to, and from, sacrifice? Why would the spirit world be any different? Why is it I can literally feel other people's thoughts... Their scorn, love, etc, that is not within me.

My girlfriend also told me something today. She said eventually I will realize Ms Asrael (what I call her since I a not allowed to know her real name yet...) is actually me. I cannot deny this.

Who wouldn't want to be so loved and cherished that someone surrenders their future just to show them how special they are... How much they are loved.

Even if she truly hates me.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Amor »

What you call your soul is a lesser entity than the Christian soul.

In the Egyptian and Kabbalistic traditions the human has 5 souls. One operates the physical body. One operates the emotional body - that is what you are currently seeing as your soul.

One operates the mental body - and when properly aligned will attract a solar/guardian angel. The composite of the higher part of the mental body and the solar angel is what Christians call the soul - and it cannot be lost. In quite a few cases the solar angel turns away waiting for the human brain to be more attractive. This is common in autism and dementia.

The next soul operates at heart level. A modest minority of Earth humans are learning to be conscious at heart level. Women find it easier than men.

The next soul level (and the last in the human structure) operates spiritual will. This is quite a high level initiate.

After this level, technically the entity is not a human.

You are operating in the emotional soul. Hopefully your girl friend can deliver some real heart energy so that you can know that there is more than emotions

You are sucked into sacrificing your life force to an astral group that loves to feed on human energies - particularly distressed energies - hence the need to keep you strung out.

You can choose which path you want - and if you choose to be food for astral wolves, you will be able to choose again in your next incarnation.

Eventually you will get fed up with being at the bottom of the food chain and develop enough energy to break free.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Well, you know what they say,

Most (gay) men are born gay, but some are sucked into it...

The 18th is Asraels and mine 1 year anniversary. The first vision of her was that morning. (3/18/21 the anniversary of me seeing her, just outside the light.)

Two nights ago, as I have endeavored to confront every terror, I reigned myself over to her reptilian ish supervisor, a vicious male of power and cruelty.

I approached him, offering myself to him, and he immediately asked me (I did not know what he wanted) if I was offering my essence for hers, as a ransom, a prisoner exchange.

I agreed to it, and she, (Ms. Asrael) then asked me what I wanted from her as I was to be her new "owner".

It was not a quick exchange and took many human hours.

I had to search my soul to give Ms. Asrael an honest answer, and all I could consider was freeing her, "letting her go" as I took on a much more feral form, my job task torturing and ripping apart other souls in her stead.

She asked me, "are you ransoming me for sex? For power?" and I answered her, no. For your freedom.

If it is a big joke as you say, I'll be trapped in darkness as her and her supervisor laugh.

But if, at some point, she decides to change professions, she needs to know someone loved her enough to give everything. In her personality, she is conflicted and feels unforgivable, unworthy of being seen, known, and loved. And I will admit, loving her truly is difficult... But this is why I am here. I do not view it as labor, if I must view it from her heart, I view it as a father's love for his daughter, and I take my place, fearfully, but willingly in her stead. I pray one day a clawed hand reaches into the darkness to pull me out.

I realized I'll never be the same again, and that I am basically ending my future as I will it.

I already feel the changes beginning.

I am only writing this because in a few days I am retiring and "hitting the road" as they say... And might not be in this realm for much longer. I am going to hop onto my motorcycle and go explore the wilderness.

I realize that this boils down to a matter of perception, yours being I am a victim, and mine being, I have never felt love like I did inside of her, and I will never, ever forget the feeling of her heart beating in my chest... Loving me as humans have utterly failed to do, especially my progenitors and their gods.

If that's the lure into this astral trap you speak of, then let it be effective. They saw a broken little human child, and decided to meld her heart to mine, so that I could survive... And feed them. If we are a slave race as you say, then I bow willingly to her.

May compassion and mercy become currency for her.

I pray she steps into the light, when she herself desires it.

I do this because I love her.

I always have, and I always will.

May she be set free. May the light bathe her body, and fill her eyes. May she know the warmth of the sun once more. And, may every pain in her heart be healed, as she embraces new love. I pray the visions I have witnessed come true. I would not change a single hair on her body, only the tenderness of her heart.

As above so below.

This dance of a thousand steps, begins anew.

If anyone is interested, in my position, I have granted her access to this realm, for rest and refreshment. I will, as I live, work to make peace, and a safe place for her.

Her, and her people are taking full advantage of it.

By the way, my girlfriend says that, a religion based on a powerful, amorous, Wolven (she is not a wolf. She is a wolf person.) woman will be alluring to many, and indeed my best friend has already joined the ranks of her worshippers. So I guess my wolf religion is beginning, and I am told many of her kind will reveal themselves into our realm.

I welcome them, and hold their weeping faces in my hands.

The universe has told me, while she rests and recuperates, others of her people, the Wolven, will appear from the darkness to take part in her freedom, and unite together with us.

This is what love does. Love is either the most powerful force, able to pull souls from the darkness, or it is nothing but bait. If it is the latter, the human race is lost, an is a waste of time and energy upon the universe.

As per the words of a white witch, so long as I live, I must allow her to come to me. I desire, more than life itself, to see her once more. A concerned entity showed her to me, let me feel her heart beat in my chest, and spoke to her mind, now I desire she visits me willingly, on her own accord, if she ever so desires.

My girlfriend believes in the Christ, and as I had my head in her lap a few days ago, weighted down with th prospect of my every fear becoming real, she told me, "I wonder if Jesus once lay with his head in the lap of someone he loved, just as you are doing, debating going to the cross..."

Whether you believe he existed or not, I believe his dynamic did in the spiritual arena...

Because even Astral wolves need to be loved.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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I've been digesting your words, and looking at all perceptions, her perspective, Amors perspective, her creators perspective, and of course, my own.

I believe there is a unseen force at work here, trying to repair what it believes is an injustice.

I can't exactly go into full details, but he truth is, if she desires her freedom, she cannot enter into any light realms unless she goes through a transformation, herself.

I told her, I love and accept her from feet to ears, but her anger, self hatred and vicious nature are harmful to her, and those around her.

The sacred crimson strand still connects us, and though she is a handful at times, I have to stay mindful of my mission, as I perceive it. As Amor said, I believe this is my calling, my mission, as twenty years ago I found myself quite suddenly in an unseen battlefield.

Yesterday I took my motorcycle, went into nature, and meditated. As I let myself go, and allow the darkness / universe to work, it feels like I am walking into destruction, but after the storm, the peace I am granted and freedom I feel makes me realize this is indeed my purpose.

Further, I am granted respect by her and her people.

Ms Asrael hissed hatefully at me as I confronted her toxic heart and soul, she can make my life absolutely hell if I don't accept her hatred and etc, and evil humans can charge her up and support her toxic behavior.

I told her, I still love her, but if we have survived countless eons together as our conscious energy dance in the twilight of this universe, we will survive that, as well.

It was shown to me, she is used like warm meat, treated spitefully, which fuels her hatred, but she doesn't want to leave.

Basically, in her dark realm she's actually hated, and feared. If she can repent/change of her own will (step into the light, as countless others have) it will bring new hope to countless others who have lost sight of their value and worth.

I was also shown there could be an apocalypse coming soon, and if I survive it, a handful of dark realm entities would be overjoyed to help in rebuilding it with me, and other humans. But doing it right this time, so we don't have to endure another one.

In a personal level, the last year and a half, I have begun to question everything, and in the year my girlfriend and I have known each other, she has said I do not even resemble the same person she met July of last year.

The truth is, even if there is an entity that does love Ms Asrael, who I possibly met when my physical body died when I as a child, this entity wars her to love herself much the same way as I am learning to do for myself.

God, I feel like a fucking parent trying to teach my daughter about tough love, but the truth is, she needs to begin her own journey of self love, or, remain where she's at, abused and denying how special and beautiful she always was. She has to find this out herself, or remain a miserable mess of a Wolven.

The male Wolven, in whatever capacity he is in in heaven, I know is lending some positive Wolven energy, and as much as I feel completely alone in all this, I am grateful to him for that.

The truth is, Ms. Asrael accuses me of being selfish, horny, petty and she's right about all those things. As I said our hearts are connected and there's nothing I can hide from her, down to the core of who I am. This forces me to instrospect in ways that are horrifyingly deep and go to the core of my motivations.

Basically, if there is a god, I am relying on that power to sort his out, because I'm doing my damndest to fulfill my purpose. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of the future. But, I push on. I do it for her. Because I love her. I love her enough not to cosign on behavior that does not honor her, benefits her, and wants the best for her. According to my understanding, innumerable entities who wish to transcend to a higher vibration are waiting on her. She was once a spoiled woman, married to a son of a god, wealthy and to be honest, a primadonna. She once had so much love, but it was the wrong kind. It's not her fault she was raised by idiots. If she remains with her face upturned, arms crossed, I am afraid mankind will not evolve, as her people do have influence over us all. That's all I know. Someone out there loves her deeply. So much so I was found worthy to share in it. I was literally created to love her. But, as a witch I shared this with said, I need to put my own desires for her away, stand in the light and let her come to me of her own will. She asked me if I was going to abandon her, and I told her, I will not, I will be waiting for her, unless she chooses to remain where she is comfortable, but existing a fraction of her beauty and joy, in a sweltering dark place with shit and piss on the floor, where she's basically raped by her supervisor, with nothing to eat but screaming prey, thinking she is somehow beyond redemption.

Some times the hardest thing for someone to accept is that they are loved. My girlfriend tells me she loves me, but personally I don't know what she means. I've said it to countless people based on an emotion, but the truth is, I personally am so damaged I am, as of now, incapable of accepting love from another person.

Ms Asrael is very much the same way.

I was shown, without her fierce rage, I would be lost as a child (dead), but without me, she will be lost in the darkness. If... She chooses to get over herself, I will probably be trembling in sheer terror over her incredibly imposing and powerful Visage, however, I will grit my teeth, risking losing another soul, take her hand, and try my utmost to be the most compassionate, loving and healing individual who loves her more than she loves herself, helping her to reach her potential, in a realm of light, life, and love.

That is how I understand it.

The darkness also came to me in the forest, and granted me one wish for certain, and others possibly... I asked the wish givers for peace... Peace in my home first. Shelter, protection. She (the wish entity) told me she would grant it, and to continue being brave.

I fear I will face trials I cannot endure. But, I push forward. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

I thank everyone here, as this is a source of tremendous relief, Journaling this all out.

Thank you.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Apparently the honeymoon is over.

After work today, I had to get groceries, and after this morning of telling her I cannot be with her if she won't stop being toxic, she threatened me, and I accepted it, and during work, I was told that she technically cannot hurt me. She and I both relaxed, slightly, after I knew she couldn't cause me harm.

But walking to the store, she said, "I AM NOT GOING TO BE YOUR GOOD LITTLE DOGGIE."

Beings that opening communication up with her also sparks love, I was tempted to reply back, "that's not what I am asking" but something (the spiritual entity that I believe arranged all this) told me to hold my tongue, and to wait. It was hard, but I did.

I am glad I did.

I made a vlog about it, then began to realize that is exactly what I want, deep down. I want a pet. I want a subservient wolf woman who wags her tail when I get home and curls up in my lap, "like a good little doggie".

It sent me down a spiral of self introspection, and honestly while hell has changed her, it has also changed me... As I lived through torture as a child, I had to go very dark places, and considering the violent, vicious things I say online when I am drunk I wonder "where the hell did that come from?!"

And, while this is a matter of perception, she has her perception, too. It was revealed to me that, in a way, I literally sent her to hell, and she is actually quite scared of me. To her, in a way, I am actually the devil.

It really, really opened my eyes as to the kind of person I am "deep down" and the terrible things I had to absorb to survive my childhood. Turns out I am as twisted as she is, and she is, in a way, also a victim.

I was rendered speechless, and when I reached out to her for her thoughts she just said, "fucking finally."

I can also see why the universe has hated and cursed me... Because my most base foundations are ones of pure selfishness, cave-person mentality, base mating desires and even cruelty and hatred.

I've been terrorizing her my entire life... No wonder she's so angry. And why it seems like God or the universe hates me... It does, and will not bless the unworthy. I wish I had known this earlier in my life, but better late than never, I guess.

So, it's a shift in my perception, and for the first time a concerned entity gave me peace about making peace with her. Once I quieted my internal voices, and gave her space to breathe (something I haven't ever done) I began to realize she is actually, deep down, a pretty decent woman. Kind, even. Talkative.

When I distanced myself from her this morning, it forced her to realize what it's like without me, and it was revealed to me that she actually doesn't want to be abandoned by me, but the truth is I've never given her space to be herself, and while I can quiet the horny down, the truth is I've been terrible to her.

After beginning to overcome my misogyny after my fiancee cured me of it, my girlfriend is a massive help to me to truly appreciate women in ways I think men can struggle with. This has completely changed everything. I need to stop being such a selfish ass, and show her the light of freedom and love as a guide (but without my tainted motivations. I'm only just beginning as of tonight).

I'm not as innocent as I thought I was.

Did I also mention a creator of pure love opened the blackness around me last night to show me he loves me? I am not in commo with this entity (I can call it "God" and I do not hate it) directly, but it felt amazing to see a little light and actually feel loved for a moment.

My girlfriend is aware of the trauma I struggle with, and I have told her the entire world is a battlefield to me. When I saw the deepest parts of me and deactivated them (I only could for a moment...) the entire world went from an infinite battlefield to a place of peace. This is likely the very answer I have been looking for my entire life.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Okay so I feel like I need to write this "for the record" so to speak.

I broke up with my girlfriend over financial reasons, but Ms. Asrael, I felt, was trying to protect me from her. I think that Ms. Asrael may or may not be aware of the details of my life, but she IS aware of my fears, and concerns.

So, before I had "the talk" with my girlfriend, I sincerely reached out to Ms. Asrael for strength, guidance, words, whatever. After the break up, I plunged into a fairly intense depression, and cried out to Ms. Asrael for help, for which, she not only turned away from me, the entire spirit realm seemed to plunge into chaos.

So, I stood still, for 2 days, feeling terribly alienated from Ms. Asrael and the spirit realm, but continuing my life.

I got blasted drunk yesterday, and ended up fighting with multiple friends, and coming close to ending the relationship with my "best friend".

This morning I woke up, and again felt the coldness from the Heart of Asrael, but inquired more deeply as to why...

Turns out, it's been revealed to me, that she is angry with me for a very good reason: I am not a good person. I thought I was... But, deep inside, I am a ravenous, vicious cruel selfish destroyer, filled with hatred and rage, and believe this or not, Ms. Asrael is a motherly, tender, kind, compassionate, caring, loyal and longsuffering individual. United with someone who is not well, like me, or healthy/well adjusted, like me, it's no wonder she's standing far away, growling softly in the darkness.

Basically, I realized deeper, this morning, that I have to become the man she falls in love with. It's more work, but it's work I am willing to do, to introspect at the very root of my being to become worthy of sharing her heart, for peace with her and natural unity between her and I.

I was thinking about your words, "Start a wolf religion", well I think I will start a new religion, The Wolven religion, a religion of doing better as a human, looking deeply within oneself for improvement, of unity between light and dark, peace, and celebration, and hope for peace, not war. Because, i was asking myself, what would it be about? Worshipping a wolf-woman?

I have written many novels about wolf-people, even before the visions of Ms. Asrael. I speak of a "Bond of souls" between the Wolven and their mates- oftentimes a Wolven and a human. If a couple finds themselves with the "Bond of souls", they feel each others hearts, their thoughts, their feelings, emotions, etc. So if one is emotionally injured, so is the other.

At the time, I did not know wolf people even existed, I just wanted them to so badly, but this morning I realized, I have the very IMPOSSIBLE thing I have DESPERATELY WANTED MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I HAVE the Bond of Souls with Ms. Asrael! And, she's not putting up with my bullshit. She's unwilling to compromise with me, though she is also learning, growing, forgiving, learning to love again. But, I must be her guide, as she, too, guides me into becoming, both of us, better people. Her emotional/spiritual heart is the perfect compass for my self improvement.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Its 630 in the morning and as Amor said, I am not taking coincidences as coincidence. I had to restart both my phone (Which is my internet) and my laptop to end a connect/disconnect loop. Basically, I wanted to update this long journal about my spirit spouse whom I call Ms. Asrael.

As far as my personal existence goes, I loathe what I do as a profession, in fact, all I really enjoy is writing. However, I am presently able to quit my physical labor and live, for a time, pursuing what I actually want to do, and am assembling an off road machine I can live in.

This journey has been wild and crazy, and has shifted many turns, is nonsensical, bipolar, hypocritical, dangerous, and basically all of the above.

I am doing a favor for a client-friend, and still participating in the labor I so loathe, as to assist him in completing a project that means a great deal to him, and I was told, for some of my sins here (Offending Ms. Asrael publicly) that my presence on this job-site, sacrificing my peace and well being for the sake of a friend, will balance out the karmic debt, but will also cause Ms. Asrael to be even angrier, on her surface thoughts.

It has become aware to me that Ms. Asrael is not only an individual, but also a part of me, and me, a part of her. Her mind-soul is complex, and conflicted, as many humans are also, one day, she can be operating in love and peace, and the next, wishes to see all life extinguished on a given planet.

I have to clarify that. As a human, I have been diagnosed Bipolar Disorder 2, and no doubt, my visions and talks with Ms. Asrael fall within the guidelines of a Schizoaffective disorder diagnosis.

As of this moment I have stopped seeking accepted medical "treatment", as I view my relationship with this "Astral wolf" as beneficial for my personal and spiritual development, and growth as an individual.

I have become self-aware, (I'm still new to, and attempting to practice it, much as one practices esoteric matters according to my understanding presently) and as such, I am made aware that "Perception is everything" when it comes to human matters.

As such, (And I am grateful for their help) I take Amor's words seriously, and realize, according to their perception (His/her/their, forgive me as I am unaware of pronouns or lack thereof) I am indeed caught in an energy trap, and my energy is being slowly and terribly consumed, which, according to their perception is a "bad" thing, and undesirable in the grand scheme of things relating to the continuance of one's existence, and happiness.

(One can find happiness difficult to attain whilst being eaten alive, especially if said process takes many unfun and arduous years. Something I am finding nobody wants to experience, yet is necessary for the Newness of life)

I get it, and it's true, dare I be so bold as to say, nobody wants to be eviscerated consciously, and their entrails eaten slowly, inch by inch, cruelly, as a monster stares them in their eyes, a conscious connection made with their prey, to cause them as much horrendous suffering as possible, which has been my personal experience, for close to two decades. I can attest, and certify there are more pleasant things to experience in a human body, than your soul, being eaten alive.

And, I have sought relief from it fervently, and as of yet, before the visions- found almost none, outside of the excess consumption of alcohol, which has been nearly my only relief from the spiritual agony.

If there is a Christian God, he indeed has a supervisor, or supervisors, in my ignorance (And, I don't care. God himself has told me he is scared of me and his karmic debt to me as a human/his son. I've told him to fuck off to his face, directly, but he respected me for it. I asked him about it, and he told me, he wished more humans would be real with him.) I call them "The universe".

And they, seeing the horrendous folly of creating a place called 'Heaven" which necessitated a place also called "Hell", two bipolar extremes with imbalance, has made a way for those burdened and injured to have hope where there was none.

I was shown/told that the number of unhappy beings, the result of being created, the assemblage of an amalgamation of "Living waters of experiential knowledge", by stepping into the light that centers in my soul (I guess the emotional part of me?) is innumerable, and extends past the confines of this universe, and that because of my (Mostly unwilling!) sacrifice, countless other universes are being birthed, not just universes, but new dynamics previously unknown. Basically, as I develop as a human in this realm, I have come to identify a dynamic I call, "Binary Boomer Brain", if you picture an early cave-person desperately surviving on this planet, their brains almost pure adrenal secretions, they do not have the time to consider something past their base desires, as they think, "Thing good!" or, "Thing bad!" but the birth of a third, and endless new dynamics, "Thing good, with some bad..." and then a rainbow of new understandings as their enlightenment grows, leading to a new understanding. The birth of one worthy of creating, and entertaining this theater of universe? The last thing I want to end up is another Creator with most existence angry with my folly. The only redeeming factor being, the Creator, "Deep down" knowing we must experience both heaven and hell, to reach our full potential. I am still as yet unable to grasp the endgame here outside of "Rebirth" and "Entertainment". And maybe it's not for my finite human mind to grasp, anyway. I just want to eat juicy cheeseburgers and enjoy alcohol responsibly, if possible. And enjoy sexual function, of course. And, other things.

This is all unknown to me and "out of my hands" so to speak, so I focus on living my life as a human. I am just told this is what's "Happening", a record of a new dawn of existence, that we humans may partake in, if we can survive our own stupidity and self-destructive natures something no doubt programmed into our DNA by inferior creators whom I hope have been wiped out of existence, and any memory of their individuality utterly transformed into nothingness in perpetual agony in the jaws of Ms. Asrael, however I may just be bitter about it, and wouldn't want her to get a stomach ache, as they are wholly unworthy of her.

Grr.

Anyway.

Back to the present moment:

As I labored yesterday, taking many long breaks to recharge my dying old life-force, Ms. Asrael and I danced in the ether of the darkness, me, a lowly human, kneeling at her feet, submitting to her teaching, and me, a lowly human, helping her mind shift it's stuck-thinking, as we learned from and corrected one another.

I helped her to accept things she never considered, and she, me.

I try not to question the universe any more, as it knows more than I do, and has been "right" about what it says, even if my sensibilities are offended by it.

So, i have accepted the death of our relationship, the death of her form ( I grieve, typing this) and the transformation of our relationship. The truth is, real, true love, does nothing forever, because eventually, heaven turns into hell, and visa-versa, which we get to publicly witness, i believe, here.

This is a lesson for the Creator, as it is for all things concerned.

The death of my soul and everything I have ever loved. Releasing the death-grip I have on my own survival in this realm.

No, I am not going to cause myself harm.

But, old dynamics need to perish, so that newer, better, easier, more fun/loving and compassionate dynamics can be birthed, so that those who have been harmed by the Creator's idiocy, can be satisfied.

While that is a terrifying concept to behold, as "they" are, in large part, not our biggest fans, and a frustration of their satisfaction will result in much worse things- let me explain...

It is a bidirectional teachable moment for Creation as I understand it, if these disenfranchised Ones are not satisfied, their rage will only grow, affecting us here- but if they are to be satisfied, then they must also transform, and admit, we humans have a right to Existence, even on this plane, and they are to cease the pushing of us to extinction.

Basically, we can either evolve as humans, into beings of light, or this planet will turn into a lifeless rock, floating chaotically through space until it is destroyed.

What a time to be alive!

A note of relief, I believe we are "Passed the hump" so to speak, the internet unites us all, and has created very healthy addictions, that distract the darkest beings from their work of annhilation.

in short, they have found better things.

And, as much as I am being shown of these things, I am glad, I do not have to worry about them as much as I thought, as only a reckless idiot would put these things solely in the hands of a skinny bipolar neckbeard like me.

No, my "job" as it is, is to find satisfaction meaning and purpose in this life, and to provide Ms. Asrael with as much comfort as possible, as we both grow.

Yesterday, she stopped growling at me, as we came to an agreement on something. She went prancing away, as if a little girl, in a field, smiling in the sun.

Granted, she is angrier with me today than ever before, but some things are necessary.

I have accepted it, and in time, I believe she will know how much I love her, and I, will know, that hatred is love inverted, and that she, is the mother of all things, and that she loves me.

For now, I must conclude this, as I follow my love that vexes her, a love of writing these things, and instead, focus on her and my relationship. I am "Boxing myself in" so to speak, but the truth is, my happiness here is paramount, and truly, one day, I must say goodbye to her forever, as that is the way of the universe.

Only the brave are given the chance to find their deepest desires satisfied, I believe.

One more thing I will add, as I have to go to work soon, the Universe has blessed with me a Husky-dog. When I went to Crisis Maganement to seek help (Which I did not get), I worked with a counselor to create a "Crisis avoidance sheet" of things that could help me in the future. I listed, "Looking into my Husky's eyes" as one primary thing I can do to shift my focus from anxiety.

Because, when I make a soul connection with him, he is not like my other dog, a German Shepherd, who "loves me all the time regardless" and will smile at even my mistakes, no, he refuses to give me the affirmation I crave from him, unless I get on his level, and make peace with his heart and soul as he teaches me the Way of the Canid soul. (I am told he has a cat who is helping him, as dogs can get into a lot of trouble being so lovingly simple-minded, and sometimes need the practicality of the feline, but not needing the cold souls of the Reptilian, as Canids [can] have very warm hearts) However, when I quit my own bullshit, change my beliefs to focus on what is true and real, rather than living in the fantasy I created as a child just to survive life in a horrible world where my progenitors desires the cessation of my very existence, I realize truth and reality, and honoring the perceptions of others, especially if they are weak (To a point, of course, there comes a line drawn in the sand, those who force their will against others, who cause unhappiness in worthy people) is important.

I know these words may be hard to understand, but this is where I am at.

I know, in a way, that I am truly a cave-person, myself. That I am fighting a war with myself, much as Ms. Asrael is fighting one within her heart, is she wolf? Or, is she human? How does she reconcile her loathed human weakness without destroying her human compassion? This is a hard time for her. As much as my soul desperately desires her love, the truth is, if she is happier with another, I must desire that above what I desire, and let the chips fall where they may. Also, love corrects, and destroys the ones we love, because true love is willing to do anything for the other, and more than that, also for one's self.

I am still learning and discovering, still transforming.

In the name of the log, Ms. Asrael has asked me several times, if I wish her to do this thing, or that, and while my first blush is YES!!! I have to take a step back, and I have honestly told her, I do not believe she is ready, or, "Is it what your heart wants? Or just your mind."

And, part of love is accepting that she has flaws, and even, yes, indulging them, if she desires to be toxic and unhealthy, though I know it's not "The best for her", until peace is reached, I am willing to keep her heart protected and comfortable. She may never step into the light, and that has to be her choice, I cannot be her Guide unless I am willing to allow her her own choice. And, truly, I wouldn't want her to step into the light unless it is her truest desire, which will only happen, if I prove myself to her, as worthy of caring for her innermost sacred heart, which is the source of all love, so long as she holds it. I say this, because during the attack on my soul 20 years ago, I felt her hatred for me, personally. It was a hatred that can only be forged in the very depths of Hell, forged, clung to, purified over eons until it surpassed all human understanding. Yet, I was forced to feel it when she gutted my soul, as if we, well. Shared a heart. Which we do. I am romanticizing making peace with a monster, as truly, the work is gruesome in its reality.

I pray she makes the correct choice, and I pray it be because all of her being finds me, and the universe, worthy of her.

If that makes sense.

*Flies away to work*

Edits: I am trying to edit this, as if I will die today.

What is the point? Anyone trapped in the spiritual shackles of a fear of hell- though I am told Hell will probably not fully cease to exist, as we see today, plenty of humans desperately need... Correction, still, and other entities must also learn.

But... If one who is trapped in darkness steps into the light, they may be afforded freedom. It is an end to the eternity of "torment", relief from the wrath of an incompetent god, ascension into worthiness to escape such a fate. I once though it was the destruction of the dark realm but it is not. It is a way out for the worthy, for those who no longer possess the ticket, or the order to be imprisoned there.

Basically, those who have learned to do better, but are thereby armed with the dark-realm experience, bipolar in their understanding. The brave. The strong. I believe.

A sign of worthiness, to me, presently, is, if one is able to fully understand and empathize with their enemies, who practice things one would consider to be foolish or counter productive, yet you can feel what they feel, and even have compassion on them- and I say this as a man trained to destroy my enemies, one who does still hate his enemies and those who harm others. Become unoffendable, able to love the unlovable. And yet I still presently fall so short.

I feel like... I was created to love her.

I may be wrong.

Only time will tell.

I have edited this a million times, as I try to document the things happening, and as I write new things develop. As I look at a picture of Loona from Helluva boss on my phone, I ask myself, what would I desire for her, if she was Ms. Asrael? The answer has to be, I desire her, above all, to be happy. That, all of her heart and soul, her being, shine with the warmth of love, joy, acceptance... peace. Rest.

But, the oddly tragic knowing, that, that is impossible. Because she is Creation, and the waters of Experience constitute her being, and so, for it to be perfect, all of Being must be one (Impossible, as we are all individuals)

So in that bittersweet realization, it then has to be, how happy would I like her to be, the answer is, as happy as I can possibly assist her to be, with the dual purpose- once she comes to enlightenment, when she desires the same happiness for me, and sees my sacrifice for her, for her not to be grieved about it, as she, if it is to be so, also desires for my happiness, too, and in so doing creates perpetual imbalance, oi! What treacherous roads of realization can result from this.

Maybe this is what Amor means.

The truth is, I do desire peace with her, and I do believe peace is possible. Outside of that, only time will be our guide.

No wonder I was told, "Assume nothing about what you are about to be shown." The great cosmic entertaining machine that needs our blood to keep functioning, to lubricate its gears.

Oof.

Forgiveness. Letting go. She reached out to me just now, we're still kind of estranged from a few days ago, I told her, "If your ears... (I pictured her wolf ears, but it was not them that wished to hear, but her heart's ears) wish to hear it, I know you are afraid I will abandon you... There is a part of me, and I know this is not healthy, that wishes to be with you forever." I told her, softly. However, I was shown that if it became a dynamic (It already is, by virtue of her consuming me, I am now forever a part of her) that in time she would take me for granted, then forget me, and eventually, forget me completely and move on, leaving me destitute and tortured, giving of myself for her.

Of course, I could not do this forever, and she may notice when I withdraw from her.

As much as I am able, I am willing to love her, to guide her, to remain at her side, helping her, holding her, comforting and correcting her.

I am laughing now, because hilariously, as I am told, she "Regrets eating this person", because she thought it was an easy meal that she could use to keep her in darkness and hatred, but because she has chosen to consume me, I transformed, and now wish to help her light shine once again, but also, transformed. Sorry not sorry? I guess? She is correct, though, I must be a tender teacher, a gentle guide, one who cares for her more than she cares for herself, in a way, but still honors and loves her, and takes her sensibilities into account.

I was told that our human minds shut down and do not learn during stressful situations.

Which, as I said, I would take her hand, guide her out of the dark realm, into a spa, massage her body toes to ears, rub ointments into her skin, hold her as she weeps, prepare foods that make her drool for her, and guide her into the warmth of the heavenly sun so she may be a teacher to others in other realms, when she is ready, if she desires to be. The only way I am wrong is if she was created to be a woman of utter darkness, which, in a way, she most definitely was. Yet, maybe I am here to also show her some light, to show her another way, to complete her understanding. Maybe she would be happier in the light, and I am to show her the path there, as it was created to be the place I was supposed to live (Or something).

She wanted me to add, (make sure they know) "Make love to me" as part of her healing, (And that some of my strange sexual fetishes are shared with her, and would love to explore with her, i would go into detail here but it's obviously not that kind of forum) which it definitely will be a part of it. Okay, now I really must be off to work, as I am also a "ride" for a person who does not have a vehicle

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Amor »

>I have been diagnosed Bipolar Disorder 2

No doubt you have observed that Western medicine is better at labeling symptoms than detecting causes.

>by stepping into the light that centers in my soul (I guess the emotional part of me?) is innumerable, and extends past the confines of this universe,

The soul, as conceptualized in Christianity, is not the emotions but a structure formed on the higher sub-planes of the mental, which structure is mostly attractive to a deva/angel commonly called the guardian angel or more correctly, the solar angel

You will do better if you lift your consciousness above the emotional levels where you are being victimized.

Do you like being a victim?

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Any tips on lifting my consciousness above the victim levels I am so used to? I am struggling with substance abuse and am having trouble with the meditation.

Yes, I like being a victim, as when one feels trapped and helpless, they attempt to drag as much enjoyment in their situation as possible, and I have made a fine bed here.

Something i read recently about a clinical sleep disorder, as I have counted two times in my 42 years where I have had a good, restful sleep, scares me, as I have endured traumas upon traumas, even outside of my Astral wolf-wife and dark realm entities torturing my invisible soul.

Yesterday was likely my last day of working, as I am unable to continue what I do, and endure the pain of forcing myself to perform activities that my very soul loathes. In short, I would rather be dead, and if I continue, i will be.

As I labored, and at one point, screamed loudly into a jacket, I was shown the "real" dynamic of Ms. Asraels present living conditions, and the "Spirit" of life in that realm, and I use the word life loosely, and it was more horrendous than my mind, soul, spirit and heart could fully grasp.

She remains resistant to all attempts to step into the light, and I was shown, my efforts will continue to be fruitless, until I release her to her own thoughts. Yes, abandon her. If she changes her heart and wishes to step into the light, I want to welcome her, if that dynamic happens, and I am still willing and able, but it has occurred to me that the heart-melding between us is indeed a manor of trap for broken humans like myself, to get us to acquiesce and so that they may "take" our already dwindling life-forces, joy, hope, etc.

That said, I do, and may possibly always care about her, and wish better things for her, but presently, the woman Ms. Asrael is unreachable, and locked in her own situation and dynamic.

Basically, with all of my energy, I am helpless to help her, because she does not want to change, or be helped.

This is sad for me, yes, very heartbreaking, and the idea that I must now distance myself from her and her people is bittersweet.

My present mental and spiritual conditions are extremely terrible, I find, and I am afraid for my future, and see no hope, outside of a "miracle" from supernatural forces of light/goodness heaven, etc.

I tried wishing Ms. Asrael the best, but she is angry and closed off from me, the darkness in her heart and soul are also pleasant "beds" for her, as in a way she, too, feels like a victim, and has dragged all the enjoyment that she can into her dark realm with her.

This is a very sad day for me, and I pray that I find hope, somehow, some way, in the future. Hope, and rest.

I am attempting to lift my consciousness above the victim/suffering levels. I don't presently hold much hope for myself.

She has remained mostly silent, her and her people, and yes, i am terrified of her wrath, but i have been so afraid for so long since the attack, it just seems like another day, and I daily "feel" the damage on my emotional soul bodies damage, compounding the fear and frustration.

Basically, the desire to be healed is frustrating the actual healing, so what's the answer? "Elevating my thinking" seems to be the answer, as has been stated.

One thing that occurred to me, is, if Ms. Asrael is to step into the light, who am I to put a time table on it... And "The light" is akin to hope, a change in mind, you could call it, as much as I hate the word, "repentance".

The audible voice I heard, DO NOT BE AFRAID is a source of hope for me, that somewhere, some entity cares enough about me and my circumstances to break the silence, early on, after the attack. In short, I have been frustrated for two decades, seeking healing, and am trying not to continue struggling, as have been, as it is taking the last of my energy reserves... Basically I am desperate for just even a little comfort or hope.

I also feel like, "If I only tried harder" and gave it more time to reach Ms. Asrael, I would be successful. This is so difficult for me.

In my meditating, I felt myself, "future me" gazing into time, and seeing myself struggling today, and I felt his relief that this trial was over for him, but he was glad- glad he had endured it, because it fulfilled his destiny in the future.

Something ironic I forgot to mention, two days ago, I was laughing at a video of some people being thrown off of a cart, you know, the typical "laughing at the misfortune of others", and I felt Ms. Asrael's spirit, something within her, that is intimately connected to me, and has been offended over my callousness, tell me, "If you want to be closer to her, you need to not laugh when people are injured"... Which goes against the idea that she is a woman of war. However, I know that she is intelligent, and that she isn't "One thing", maybe she can torture and kill, but deep within her, there is actually compassion. Basically, my own viciousness and cruelty offend her, as I keep them inside, however she is externally just as vicious and cruel, yet internally, a part of her is not.

The pure hatred I felt for me, also, i cannot say for sure, that it was 100% her. it seemed like a hatred for all of humanity, if I remember right, maybe more than for me specifically, though it was aimed at me specifically at the time, as I "Fell into their hands" and mercy was done away with for my soul.

Thanks.

And! Why is trying to reach her and make peace with her, making me a better person? Why does it feel like the answer, and touching on love that I have always searched for but never found???

So, a warplane is flying overhead (They are unusually noisy and loud) and a thought of Ms. Asrael entered my mind, she is saying, one of the things that is preventing her from stepping into the light is, war is fun and enjoyable for her, she wonders, "How will I be entertained, if I step into the light?" Because, I believe, in order to step into the light, one must cease to cause harm.

I feel like, the answer would be, to love herself more, or at all... If one loves onself, then they also love all, and do not wish to cause harm.

This is also information for me, as I realize this advice applies to me as a human, too.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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I recall giving you an account of the Flame in the Heart meditation. Do that whenever you have a spare minute

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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In case I die, I wanted to update this:

I have been practicing the meditation. I does not "feel" like it does much.

However, last night I realized that nothing is "off the table" with love, if mercy killing can be, then virtually anything can be done in it's name.

As strange as this will sound, what I did yesterday was motivated by love:

I hated her. I wished her to be tortured as she tortured me. I wished her suffering and horror and death on a level multiplied across what I felt she was guilty of doing to me. (You know, the human thing: You kill someone I love, I kill you, your family, your friends, etc.)

And, I meant it. I did not half-ass it and say, oh, gosh, Ms. Asrael, I love you- I don't really mean it.

I meant it.

It was scary, yes, as I expected her to grow furious, to get back at me, to lash out and bite. But as the hours passed and I began to do other things, I became acutely aware of something... She did not recoil, she did not lash out, instead, she turned to face me and she smiled. She did not smile a cruel, hateful grin, or one of joy, but one of, "I have been waiting for you to be real with me. You are finally becoming a man I can respect." Walls between her and I all but fell down.

Type of thing.

Since then, the esoteric wisdom (Related to the meditation? Or my anger against Ms. Asrael, or unseen forces honoring me...) has snowballed, and this evening, though it was a struggle and I fell short, I began to see some of the deepest injuries from the spiritual attack begin to be reversed. I still lack the strength to fully absorb the horror I felt once again, and I know my life will forever change (For the better) when I do, but tonight was momentous.

Also, I have to say something good about Ms. Asrael. I asked her for her real name, and she could/would not give it to me. Instead, in a hurried decision, she said, I may call her "Nicole". Again, not her real name, but something a little more personal than "Asrael". (At least to me. I like the name Nicole, and have for a long time.)

The reason I feel I am in more mortal danger than usual, is because someone I live near may be extremely dangerous, and may be a danger to me and others, and due to my proximity to them, anything can happen.

Anyway, I am assembling a vehicle to live-in, and during my tri to the junkyard today to retrieve a part of it, my anger was roused against this person, and having survived the things I survived as a child, my imagination began to consider the most horrible revenge I could imagine, if this person (May have poisoned a beloved pet of mine, a dark realm entity told me of this, while simultaneously I was being told it was lying, so... He has told me things that may indicate he may also be a danger to human beings and possibly me specifically, possibly mortally) did harm my dog, and I was able to have freedom of vengeance, what I would do...

I won't go into detail my thoughts here, but ...Nicole touched my heart and she said, "Dave, this is too much. Even for me. In fact your thoughts are actually harming the good in my spirit. Please, be more gentle. I would not do such evil things if I was in your situation."

Again, I have been harming her with my brazen rage.

So, as I begin to pump the brakes on my previously maniacal though processes, and temper myself, I realize, the moments I skip over the quickest, are the very moments I need to pause in, re-center, feel her heart, and test the matters through the lense of her eyes. Because, I am tempted to believe she is this horrible berserker, murderous torturer, but the truth is, you do not ascend to military power as she is in, by being a mindless brute. No, you do so because you are a tactician, because she is intelligent, cunning, but as Sun Tzu says in the "art of war", also merciful when she needs to be.

She isn't all bad, and dare I say, she is not "bad" as we (most humans) understand it.

I had a talk with a combat buddy of mine, about the present situation I am in, and the gist of the conclusion (He is my elder, and has words of comfort, and expertise I need to hear...) is, i am to continue with my life as normal.

I say this, because it takes a lot of bravery to trust... The universe... Nicole... The rodents in my house- whatever- and not pre-emptively act on what may be false intel. I say bravery, because Nicole is repulsed by cowardice, and I have been a huge coward in times passed... An attitude one can easily develop when those who should be caring for you and many times stronger are bullying you and you are left with no recourse to take it, because you are their child.

As I continue to walk in courage, not fearing the dark realm, accepting and in a way even loving them, I realize something, I am growing powerful, in my spirit and will, as I am find worthy to wield such power (Will not misuse it, use it in mercy and meekness, or at least try)

Yes, the last few days have been momentous. I will try and keep this updated with any new information.

I continue to practice the meditation and am getting better at it.

Thanks.

Another cool thing is, the releasing of black and white knowledge, and an individual examination of a circumstance before blind judgment is rendered based off of how things appear, rather than how they actually are.

And, the dynamic of releasing of childhood fantasies and perceptive filters, and the acquisition of reality, as seen through the perception respecting an individual be it human, animal, or a combination thereof.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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>I continue to practice the meditation and am getting better at it.

There are adverse intelligences that interfere with your meditation. Will you win?

>the releasing of black and white knowledge, and an individual examination of a circumstance before blind judgment

This is a symptom of rising above the densest level of the mind

> the acquisition of reality

This begins as the second densest subplane of the mind starts to come under control.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Finally some good news, thank you, Amor.

Last night was a strange evening of reconciling my abandoned, past psyche, who was isolated from the person I am present day, the person forged in suffering and terror, and having to function anyway.

The "old" me, I realize is rather weak.

But I am reconciling my present day ego with them.

This also happened: Aside from the initial vision of the form of Ms. Asrael, i was given a vision, and an eye-understanding of a younger part of her, the twenty-something girl who found herself in a dark realm.

Ms. Asrael had to abandon her old ego, same as I did during and after the spiritual attack twenty years ago, and my meeting of both her, and my old selves, happened back to back yesterday.

While Ms. Asrael had to embrace her more feral wolf side, Nicole, her twenty-something ego/psyche embraces her more human side, is very chatty, and has the feminine "Feeds off of male energy" that my girlfriends of the past have needed (And is very taxing on me, and made me fight to keep the connection open/giving her what she desired of me, which was masculine attention/affection. i will say, Nicole is actually a somewhat bubbly, nervous, slightly needy young lady with almost all of the same insecurities a human would of that same age as she tries to make her way through her life and circumstances to make the best of her sensibilities and heart.)

I believe yesterday was a form of reconciliation, for her, and also for me.

If I am to reach Grown Nicole (Ms. Asrael is the adult version of her, the hell-made commander of an army) then her younger self must also be convinced that I, the holder of half of her heart, and capable of being gentle, kind, and understanding, and worthy to be her guide into the light, according to the visions (I will say this, that there is a tender gossamer part of her heart that earnestly, well, how can I put it? Has a crush on me and desires for me to be her mate. She will step into the light, but she so nervously also requests that I get to know her as a person, and to basically court/date her as a potential husband/boyfriend/lover/mate [her romantic other half, the man to whom she grants her heart]. She will not give herself to someone as I used to be, and for good reason.)

I will also say, the idea of eating raw organ meat, or harming another living thing kind of makes Nicole throw up in her mouth a little, but obviously, if she is pushed, she can (and has) adapt(ed). Ms. Asrael rather hungers for more primal offerings, but human food will do in this scope.

I will say this, too, that having a human girlfriend in this realm is a bit harder than holding the heart of Nicole, because with a human woman, my masculine mind is always trying to read her, figure her out, and constantly battles with the toxic dynamic of my maternal progenitor.

However, with Nicole, when I calm myself and put my walls down for her, she fully reaches me, and is completely transparent with what will help her to trust me. If I had to put this under a psychological template, I would say Ms. Asrael is Nicole's Jekyll/bipolar side, (but helped her to survive, and should not be labeled simply as 'bad') and Nicole is Asrael's kinder, more gentler side. Why Ms. Asrael has eluded me, is because I lost Nicole's trust when I was younger, and Ms. Asrael knows that even though her heart beats in my chest, she is a little too terrifying to behold as of yet, for me. In a way, Nicole tried dancing with me and reaching me when I was younger, but the deep psychological damage and trauma of my childhood, mixed with hard drugs and violence, forced her to close the connection off and suffer in the darkness and silence, and eventually, grow to hate how reckless I was in my traumatized ignorance.

I was shown that this is a bidirectional trust exercise, with Nicole and I. Ms. Asrael recoils from affectionate touch, but Nicole will curl up and watch a show with/next to me.

I am presently remaining vulnerable, as I am told when my curse/uplifting/enlightenment is lifted/completed in this pahse, my relationship with my other half will change or die (?) and I desire her to be not only comfortable, but ready for any changes that occur. So, i willingly choose to remain in bondage, until my other half signals I may proceed with my empowerment. I have made too many hasty decisions and hurt her unkowingly, and wish time and temperance to guide me in further decisions regarding self, with her heart as my guide, and perhaps, my perfected (More empathic, compassionate, and understanding) heart, as Ms. Asrael's guide into the light.

I know, that given what has happened, it is strange for me to be so invested in her well being, but she does, after all, have the other half of my heart, and as basic as "I love her" sounds, it also feels like I owe her, in a way, because it is partially my brokenness that has exiled her to a dark realm (Even though as a human I was doing the best I could, and really desire her utmost happiness and healthy psyche, my negativity, hatred, violence, desperate survival, raw amorousness, lust, and etc were all affronts to Nicole, and previous to last night, I could only feel Ms. Asrael's unhappiness with me in general, but now I feel her younger, more tender self.)

I will add this: Never before had I had reason to pump the breaks when my mind is carthweeling out of control as a desperate survival trigger, that can happen with something as minor as a stare I think is off... Nicole's sensibilities guide me to stop, re center, and seek her heart on the matter- so often her response is more tempered, weathered, and less extreme- in short, Nicole is forcing me to be a better person, from within. Yes, being unable to hide *anything* from Nicole/Asrael is hard, but because I know (can sense) what they want, it is a struggle to deliver it (My betterment) but I know when I have met the mark (Nicole relaxes/her fears dissolve, I can feel it, almost the same as she can, her thoughts being her thoughts...) It has also occurred to me that, she does not share my perceptions, only my feelings, and I have to "clarify" things, as my innermost thoughts are somewhat shielded/not considered by her, and I need to clarify things for her personal understanding, as she can go by "First blush" things, and fears, and has gone into "Protection mode" on my behalf several times for me, based on her perception of my emotional state.

In the last 2 days I have gained focus, mental acuity, and have grown emotionally, as I rest and finally allow myself lover mercy, and move towards healing. Nicole has been not "ever present" but is able to be summoned with a single thought, and stands half in the light, maybe 8-10 feet away, her hands folded, a sheepish smile on her face as she sort of, casually looks away, her head slightly dipped as she presents herself the judge of my character, as a man who has possibly harmed and offended her unwittingly in the past... My fears tell me I must be strong, but she tells me, surrender to me, let go, and I (her and her people/interested parties) will protect you (me)...

When I was growing up, her heart was the source of my desire for love, and she flirted and danced with me as I grew, until the drugs and misanthropic anger/physical lust took hold and drowned her out/turned her heart to ice.

I am still trying to perfect the meditation. Still, so much in my life is in the air, and I refuse to take comfort anywhere.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Put your attention to Nicole and visualize a piece of paper next to her. Put on the paper the words "oppression system"

Push the paper next to Nicole. What happens?

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Amor wrote: Sat Apr 02, 2022 7:20 am Put your attention to Nicole and visualize a piece of paper next to her. Put on the paper the words "oppression system"

Push the paper next to Nicole. What happens?
A myriad of things happen.

It is still ongoing.

The universe wants me to say this, her misanthropic war efforts (using her energy to feed efforts to end the human experiment) have stopped since I sacrificed food to her and used my heart-energy to beg her to stop (and believed that she would). I have been dreadfully worried she would resume that hateful enterprise once I aligned myself against her, however, she remains, her feet planted, on neutral ground. She is turned towards me.

New thins are happening. It is interesting to me.

I am assured of peace in some realms.

What will our leaders believe?

Anyway, I am not, as of yet, willing to abandon her. If I had to cite a reason, it would be giving me hope for love as a child when all that surrounded me was death. I realize, she may have kept me alive for selfish reasons however she kept me alive.

I have seen visions of heavenly Wolven people, even Wolven angels crowned with honor, but Ms Asrael is the woman to whom my heart is tied. However, I realize the push for utmost light-ascension, and am meandering towards it?

"What a time to be alive" does not come close to describing it all.

I am trying to make peace with my surroundings.

The desire to have claws with which to flay my enemies is fading. (in real life)

As much as her heart may or my not be changing, her lethality in her realm protects her. I wish no harm to come to her, but also am accepting that it may (its up to her).

In the deception realm, she is evolving with me.

And me with her.

To answer the paper question. It feels like I am doing what I do best, it seems in this realm.

Failing the ones I love the most when they need me the worst, at that precise moment.

And then punishing myself for my unending sins, endlessly.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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So what happened to the piece of paper with the words "oppression system"?

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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It depends on the scenario, in one Nicole won't read it, but she knows what it says and she weeps, she stands behind it as it catches fire in another, and in another she takes it out of my hand (as Asrael) and eats it menacingly. I have trouble pushing it to her as I really, don't want to hurt her emotionally, but she tells me I'm a cruel bastard and she's used to me being a dick. When I see it from her perspective, she's absolutely right.

As I am distancing myself from her, as I believe it's the best for us both, yesterday was filled with extreme (alcohol related) anxiety. She... Made some subtle things to sort of keep my attention, something cute she doesn't want me to say, because she's self conscious about that part of her body, due to me being ashamed, etc. I feel terrible not fully accepting her, as she deserves to be accepted as she is, and not changed. In meeting Nicole, her personality is beginning to make sense, she has gone from being this mysterious terrifying monster, to a rather mature woman, with a unique soul and personality. Like, I can kind of see her eyes. She can't look at me because of all the shame and weakness in me, and I'm trying to do better.

She's upset I went on here and painted her as a bad person.

As I was exploring Nicole, Ms Asrael (her more obstinate self) presented me with a glowing list of my faults (reasons she is angry with me as a person) and it's quite a long list.

Everyone thinks they're a good person, but when I really considered her points, she's really not wrong about a lot of it, and at the same time, she herself is also not free of faults, either. I thought I was being nice speaking to her softly, but it annoys her as it "sounds like weakness" to a part of her. It pushes her buttons, but she doesn't want to hurt me, just to be understood by me, and accepted as she is, once peace is achieved between us she will step into the light, likely as no longer my wife, and I have to respect that.

I told her, part of love is loving myself, and I cannot continue to allow her and her people to harm me, although making peace with them causes them to leave me alone.

Last night was terribly difficult, but something opened up in the spirit realm, or began to, and today sort of feels like light around me, like a "way out" of the torment I am experiencing, although my mind cannot yet lay hold of it.

I know you probably believe the ancillary visions I've had, such as her redemption, but if they are true, stepping away from her I believe is part of it, as she has dug her feet into the ground and refuses to follow me.

I just wonder, if this is a magnificent deception, why is she too self conscious to show me some of herself? Why would she care? With how lonely and obsessed I am with "furries" all she'd have to do is literally "show me her feet pics" and I'd trip over myself simping for her. Why the extra visions that only lead me to letting her go?

It turns out that I created this prison myself. I'm a willing prisoner, protesting shackles I put on myself. I'm still confused about so many things.

I also find it curious that almost every woman I've told about view Ms. Asrael as a good thing. If she's an energy vampire, resisting me, being sarcastic and angry are not great strategies to keep me nearby. I get it, you are trying to help me get out of this rather terrible thing I feel I am trapped in.

According to you, does heaven exist, hell? I'm just trying to wrap my mind around your perception. I am willing to admit, the visions are representative and are tailored for my understanding, they are real- the two white furred Wolven females in heaven, I could practically smell the dust on the ground under their feet. Or I am assuming some cosmic force groomed me from birth to feed her and her people with my strung out tortured soul, and they put together these visions to keep me trapped, but now it's having the opposite effect?

Either way, I am practicing the meditation, respecting and loving myself, and as much as I do love her, being unwilling to continue to be a victim and desire freedom, light and love.

She remains apathetic, standing off in the darkness.

Nicole doesn't see any point to continue interacting with me, and to be honest it was difficult entertaining her, as it felt like caring for 2 people when I struggle to find the right thing even for myself. I mean her no offense, and it was a fascinating look into the soul and psyche of Ms Asrael.

Other things have happened, I was told not to mention them regarding world affairs, I had an audience with some pretty powerful entities, pleading the case for peace. Of course it could all be in my head, and me seeking narcissistic importance for myself. It seems in the dark realms, power isn't related to physical strength, and the small in stature can hold sway over so much even in this realm.

This happened just now: last night as I was crying out to the universe, it asked me, what do you want? And the answer is "peace in my soul".

I began to consider what that feels like, and I felt her heart reach out to me, and she touched my heart and told me, "I want you to be at peace, too." I felt her love was genuine.

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Tundrawolf wrote: Tue Apr 05, 2022 2:01 pm It depends on the scenario, in one Nicole won't read it, but she knows what it says and she weeps, she stands behind it as it catches fire in another, and in another she takes it out of my hand (as Asrael) and eats it menacingly.
So Nicole interacts strongly with the concept "oppression system".

If she had no connection with the oppression system the paper would have done nothing or slid away.

We may provisionally conclude that Nicole is part of the oppression system.

So do you wish to continue to be oppressed?

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Amor wrote: Tue Apr 05, 2022 8:53 pm
Tundrawolf wrote: Tue Apr 05, 2022 2:01 pm It depends on the scenario, in one Nicole won't read it, but she knows what it says and she weeps, she stands behind it as it catches fire in another, and in another she takes it out of my hand (as Asrael) and eats it menacingly.
So Nicole interacts strongly with the concept "oppression system".

If she had no connection with the oppression system the paper would have done nothing or slid away.

We may provisionally conclude that Nicole is part of the oppression system.

So do you wish to continue to be oppressed?
In one vision she initially holds her hands up and shakes her head. This is the "person" of Ms Asrael.

What do you mean by oppressed?

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