Love.

[digigeek19]

Ok FIRST BEFORE YOU READ ON!!!!!!! I only post this here because I need more peoples opinion then my mom, however the last thing i need is a shrink. Please, do not troll.



I'm not sure how to say this but, lately Ive been thinking,"I don't think I've ever felt love."
Now I know what your thinking,"Yeah yeah another angsty teenager." Well its true. recently my grandfather died and I didn't bat an eye. Of course I realize this might be a mental condition like aspergers or something but I don't think it is. I feel sadness like any normal person, I occasionally feel happiness( about once a week.) Ive felt more anger than most people do in their entire lives( which is another problem.) Yet recently Ive felt what I can only describe as heartache for my heart feels like there is nothing there. (which I REALLY hope isnt a medical condition) I also at the same time feel that if everyone Ive ever met died right now, well i'd probably think "Well, That sucks." I don't know what love feels like as I believe I would know if I did feel it. So I don't think its anything like that. Lonelyness maybe?
I don't know. I would also like to state that Sometimes I feel ( and this will sound very strange) That this world is not the world I belong in, As if its not real. Which is one of the reasons I'm always buried in games or watching anime; I'm trying to escape this world and find the one that is true and real. Well I don't know. maybe you guys can help me, maybe you'll laugh at me, or maybe Im truly just pure evil. I dont know.

Any suggestions would be helpful.
Farewell,
A crying boy.

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I'm PDD-NOS diagnosed, back in the early 90's before autism/Asperger's became a hot word and when it took a lot of evidence to get that diagnosis.

These days it takes people a while to tell that I'm on the autistic spectrum and I'd verify for the people who'd ask "How do you know you really have it?" - my nonverbal communication breaks down badly, ie. I can't expect the same results for saying or doing certain things that other people can and it's because my facial expressions and body language are incredibly hollow - mostly overture with very little subtle detail. Misreading goes on day in and day out, the only people who know me are the people who actually get to talk to me and have the opportunity to take in me in as a whole rather than in passing. My social skills were also atrocious as a kid - I learned my way around it but sadly found out that even social know-how still hits a glass ceiling when people already know something about you fundamentally bothers them (ie. the physical aspect) and not being able to figure out what things are already starting in the crapper. I'm also pretty certain that I have problems with visual stimulation - wearing sunglasses when I drive somewhere long distance can mean the difference between feeling relatively intact when I get there (that is with sunglasses) vs. having neuropathic tingling all around my head and feeling like I need an immediate nap. Coordination has historically been crazy-bad as well and it took a long time of deliberate focus and even several years of martial arts to get that looking somewhat normal.

On the question of love - I could ask the same question, as in I know for certain that on an intellectual level I love the people around me from the standpoint that I edify them. I've similarly 'felt' on the emotional level the vibrations you can get between a few guy friends who've known each other for a decade or more and are having a transcendental bro moment. While I'd say I clearly do love my parents (have a great relationship with them) that love shows more in doing, ie. helping them out in small ways, rather than overt expression - on an emotional sense with them, close relative, long term friends or even trustworthy intermediate friends in general the closest thing I'd say that I feel to love for them is trust, ie. the feeling that we could just hang out without disrupting each others' peace or psychological/emotional sanctuary. That last part is a rare form of social bond, a very positive one, and you hate to lose it at any given time because you have good company without the abrasion of needing to be someone you're not to satisfy the terms of that relationship (as you might have occasionally with strategic acquaintances).

The real challenge - ask most people about it and they can't tell you any more than I can, even if it seems like the motivation behind their actions in life would clearly tell you that they have it. Part of me wants to say that it looks like an autopilot thing but that just tells me that whatever it really is goes on at a deeper level of mind than the conscious can really swim with. From that angle it probably is helped to manifest by the right inward alignment of ideas and symbols although strangely no one can really tell you what that is on a container level.

This is part of what has me interested also in aspects of mysticism/magic that are geared toward engaging/wracking your heart. I had my heart chakra switch on last year and it's occasionally given me some activity to know that it's still somewhat lit up albeit not quite in the loud or boisterous ways it was back then (the art that shows a heart with angel wings more than just a metaphor can also be quite a physical sensation if kundalini starts playing with that region). I also want to learn more about it because clearly it's deemed to be the source of existence by most theistic outlooks, the One Thing that manifests all, and it sounds like it would be tough to really draw down from Kether or have that kind of active engagement with the all power or even higher self for that matter without exercising that part of ourselves.

[RoseRed]

I know that you started your post with 'the last thing I need is a shrink' but I do think that you could benefit from having someone to talk to. I don't know the life that you've had or if you do have medical conditions but to hear someone talk about feeling like that breaks my heart.

[Ramscha]

I know that you started your post with 'the last thing I need is a shrink' but I do think that you could benefit from having someone to talk to. I don't know the life that you've had or if you do have medical conditions but to hear someone talk about feeling like that breaks my heart.

Besides that, didn't you say you are 14 or something? You still have plenty of time, don't expect love to come when you force it, it mostly strikes you in the back in various formes (as there is not only one type of love...). The time you are in is gernerally a time of big emotional flows, shifting and changing. They will come to rest at some point though. If you are lonely, then go out! I don't understand people all sobbing about loneliness always sitting at home. If you feel lonely, go out, the world is out there, not only on the internet! Of course you will often get shrinks, not everything will served to you on a silver tablet (even if some religions and sects claim that).

I don't know. I would also like to state that Sometimes I feel ( and this will sound very strange) That this world is not the world I belong in, As if its not real.

This is normal and it is good to really think about it. However, don't lose yourself in those thoughts. You are living right here, right now! And if you dive in, you will see that the whole worlds burden isn't just resting on you and the people may seem different (as everyone is a own being of course) but that you will find more things in common then you may have thought before.

Im truly just pure evil.

If that is the pure evil, then I am really relieved [lol]

I'm trying to escape this world and find the one that is true and real. Well I don't know

Staying back from time to time is a good thing, but as I said, don't lose yourself and your grip in the everyday life!



So far I guess that is the best I can offer you. If you need an open ear, I will open mine if you want. [message]

Ramscha

[Asurendra]

Hello Digigeek19,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. You should not assume that you are evil or deviant. By doing so, you are only denying your own experiences and trying to silence the voice within you to be replaced by that which comes from others outside of yourself.

I cannot speak to why you would feel one way or another about your grandfather’s death. There are many personal factors here and I don't think everyone will always react in the same manner as others might expect. It could also be that some of your angst now is actually a partial manifestation of grief.

You say you feel you do not belong to this world and that there is a real one. When you are looking for this in anime (I'm also a fan) what you are seeking in a world where there is so much more possible than the one in which you live. In other words, this place is limited and you sense in yourself that you can manifest so much more. All of these feelings are absolutely correct. These limitations are the illusions that bind us. Don't ever let anyone try and drug them out of you because of their own ignorance. But, if you bury yourself in video games and anime then you are only following those illusions in a different way than, say, your parents might. You live in this world, the Human Realm now (for all its bullshit when places like the Asura Realm are better) and you have to adapt and be able to function here. That is a part of your task, as well as trying to discover the truths that you intuit which is that there is Liberation. It is actually a special Grace that you feel the way you do.

In the experience of love and sexuality you can find a path that you can reach that answer, so all these issues you raise are tied together. Work on being the best you can be and by being social you will meet someone who can fulfill your needs so you can learn to fulfill her's.

[digigeek19]

I must say I have no love for most of my immediate family either, though I take a particular liking for my mother (that I truly wish I didn't ) and sister. Of course my sister lives on the other side of the country so I haven't' seen her in 2 years, and even when I was younger she only visited every few months. As for my father, well the world in a whole would be better off without him. My aunts and uncles are just disgusting in nature. My cousins are twice my age and we have nothing in common, etc. I guess my situation has taught me not to trust others, for I never have. Iv'e never had any good friends, even when I was younger
no one ever came over to my house, or vice-versa, and at school everyone seemed to stay away from me. Of course there were a few people who I thought were my friends Who I now realize were just using me as a tool. Although I realize all of this I have never cared that much until lately.

(To understand the rest, you must know that my mom is a VERY conservative christian.)
One day at church the preacher was talking about heaven Since I am not a christian and, to some extent, not sure of what I believe happens after death I wondered, " Is there a heaven?" Well if there really is, I thought, why would anybody want to live anymore? (And before you say anything, NO I am not suicidal, and yes I am aware there are certain people who do this.) And if there is nothing after death, than what would be the point of living in the first place? I personally feel that if there is nothing after death, than that is enough reason to not care about other human beings at all. However I realized that human beings indeed ARE set apart from other animals by many things, including compassion for other humans. Whether a "God" or evolution made the world than there is still no reason for life other than making the lives of other human beings better. Which by earlier philosophies is just damned asinine (I swear to John Travolta that if my backspace doesn't stop sticking I will throw my computer out a window.) Anyways this made me think to myself, Hmm who do I feel compassion towards. Well I always try to help people in need, be it beating a mugger to a pulp or giving a kid a dollar so he can buy a soda. But is this true compassion? Perhaps I only do these things because it makes ME feel good. Well Its midnight AKA time for sleep. (WHY WON"T THE TAB BUTTON WORK!!!??? [mad] )

Goodnight,
A Philosopher.

[insomni4c]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intellectual_giftedness

Perhaps you're just more intellectually gifted than your peers? The way these posts are written are rather intelligent, especially considering you're only 14. Sometimes people that fit into that gifted category will have trouble making deep connections, and can find themselves preoccupied with finding some sort of meaning in this existence. There was an excellent website I remember finding awhile back that explained what exactly giftedness is, it's more than just being "smart", as well as some of the problems gifted people face. Sadly, I can't seem to find it, but if I do I'll post it on here for you to take a look at.

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

Intelligence seems to effect everyone a little bit differently who possesses it. I've known incredibly intelligent people who were curious enough to keep chasing information and learning about life and I've also known highly intelligent people who seem to be so proud of how well they hid it that they really didn't to a whole with it that wasn't geared toward career or income.

Being gifted can also come with or without a hit to the neurology that's behind social communication. In the case of autism a person would have a significant bottleneck often in the area of physical coordination, in having their thoughts translate out as intended to works and body language also quite often doesn't work well, and additionally they also have the tendency to apply raw logic to social interactions in a manner that overbears or disqualifies the other ways in which people around them are interacting (as kid the cause/effect/consequence issue revolving around conformity took a long time to register right). A lot of the gifted who aren't on the autistic spectrum will see pretty early in the game how all of this works and they'll economize to go-with-the-flow. They may feel a bit alien themselves for the world around them largely doing things they can't relate to but they'll know how to keep unnecessary abrasion to a minimum. A lot of autistics do figure it out as well but it can take longer, particularly if they're in an inclement environment, and they're still beset with the neurological glass ceilings, sometimes neurological hypersensitivities, and a lot of things that make matters even more complex.

digigeek19: I think it's really up to you whether you pursue an autism diagnosis. If it helps you to place in context certain clusters of things in your life that perhaps loudly don't fit in and they're things you couldn't change to save your life - some people find it helps for purposes of closure and just moving forward in their coping. Autism web forums are also good for seeing how other people interact with it, how many different ways it manifests, and so you start getting a much more nuanced and accurate sense of what it is or isn't and as well how much or how little it really effects your identity. Clearly there isn't a lot in the way of additional support that comes with a diagnosis, more or less that further examination just helps one to sort out their ontology within their own lives.

[digigeek19]

Well I'm not really that smart, just raised with good grammar. For example, I'm taking an ACT prep course and in my pre-test I got a 32 in English 34 in Reading 31 in Science but a 15 in Mathematics. I think I probably at the very least have ADD because I can focus on anything for about an hour if all goes well. After that however it all goes down the drain and I can't concentrate on anything requiring logic logic processes, so when you're taking a Mathematics test for an hour, I'm half past screwed, especially after freaking out about getting to class 5 minutes late. However anything that only requires sheer memorization, such as science, and reading, I excel at because I have a slightly eidetic memory. Of course on the Mathematics test it doesn't help that I'm dyslexic and I get the order of letters and numbers mixed up, and the fact that I haven't taken geometry yet which is one-third of the ACT Mathematics section. I also note that I lack confidence in myself to a degree, this is most likely because everything my mom has ever said to me, whether congratulating me or scolding me, contains a notice of her disappointment in me in comparison to my sister and herself. I swear that every time she speaks to me any happiness fades away. (And where computers are concerned, a point of my IQ) As for my father... Well let's just call him "incompetent." He has a Bipolar disorder so when he's not screwing over what little family I have, all he does is sleep all day. Because of this he must take medicine to keep him from running in the streets going on a rant. And, like all psychological medicines, Lowers his IQ more than it already is. Somehow though, this still doesn't keep him from being sneaky and formulating plans to steal money and move to Poland, the place where his grandparents were born. All of this ties in with the fact that my mother hates him more than he loves my sister, the fact he obsesses over small children, (No as far as I know he has never molested a child.) and the fact that he has tried to have an affair with a 5-dollar whore, as well as him being previously married. (Yet somehow my mother has remained living with him all these years.) Then there's my Introverted mom who never taught me how to act in social situations, and my genius sister who, with an IQ of 203, looks down on everyone she meets... Although I am sad about how dysfunctional my family is, I however realize there are still people who have it worse, Who were raised by abusive parents, or not having parents at all.


Hmm I can only wonder how life could have been.



Thoughtfully,
A grateful guy.

[digigeek19]

Aaaand I just found Viagra in my dad's room.



Just freaking wonderful.

[shmatka]

The first thing you would want to do is learn to love yourself. Once you get at ease with what goes on in your inner, and you nourish it with self love, that love will flow from you and can act as a shield as well [thumbup]

[Aardvark]

Part of this almost sounded like an existential crisis of sorts. Might I ask if you have any anxiety issues? It almost sounds as if your worry about what "it" all means, is a large part of the problem.

[digigeek19]

I don't worry much. Usually only in extreme circumstances. Hilarious because my mom and sister both have chronic panic attacks. But seriously I do worry on occasion so don't go saying I'm in denial.(I don't believe in denial! [rofl] )
I dunno, usually I actually use my brain about an hour everyday and aside from that I'm absolutely useless. Usually in this hour, I am thinking about

what "it" all means

So, in that sense I believe you may be right, however; I am very laid back. In my opinion If its fact, there's no way to change it. If it's fiction, then why bother telling me. Either it effects me, or it doesn't. There is no legitimate reason to worry. I still do worry occasionally, but that's just human nature.

Aaaaand sleepy.
G'dnight

[RoseRed]

Ah, yes, denial.

It's not just a river in Egypt anymore.

[Aardvark]

"Ah, yes, denial.

It's not just a river in Egypt anymore."

I've never heard this before and it made me spit water out of my nose, haha. Good stuff.



"There is no legitimate reason to worry."
So, then what's the reasoning behind worrying about feeling love? Why does it bother you enough to ask questions about it? What is at the core of the whole idea that really causes you to question or wonder about it?

[digigeek19]

I worry, because it is human nature. To never worry would be to leave behind all ties to humanity. However what I do is try to keep my mind clear of trivial affairs.

[Ramscha]

I worry, because it is human nature. To never worry would be to leave behind all ties to humanity.

However what I do is try to keep my mind clear of trivial affairs.

There is no reason for not doing both from time to time. [wink]